Labor Day Tips and/or Birth Control

My son’s 7th birthday is officially today. Thank the baby Jesus he was a million times easier to get out then my first son. I am gonna be real here people; I am a goddamn wimp when it comes to all things medical, especially “down South”.

When I became pregnant for my first son, I would like to think of it as a “surprise”. Inside I had no idea how logically, I would get a baby out of something the size of a penny..or maybe a nickle…I don’t know.

Armed with the knowledge of what it takes to birth a child, my second (and final) child came with a lot more experience and I was prepared to play that card for days.

“We want to break your water Mrs. Hot Mess” the nurse would say.

“No, I would like for you to break it after the epidural. I would also like the  nice man that performed my epidural from 3.5 years ago to do it.”

“Oh I’m sorry but he may have already left for his daughter’s volleyball game.”

“I’m sorry but I’m creating life here which falls a little higher then a volleyball game. I will, neigh, you won’t, make it if I do not have an epidural from this kind man so it would be in your best interest to track him down, stall his Prius and alert him that you have a situation.”

After childbirth: “we would like to cathorize you now Mrs. Hot Mess.”

“No, I have up to 3 hours to pee, I see no reason to even suggest this at this time;” I say as I roll back over onto my 100 thread count sheets to face a “chair” that is supposed to be a comfortable fold down chair when in reality it’s from the same line of furniture found in all business traveler rooms of Red Roof Inn.

And, if anything, if they ask you if you want your new baby to sleep in your room at the hospital, JUST SAY NO. Again, JUST SAY NO! For the love of God, listen to me on this one. Children’s Services will not be called. Your child will not turn out like Marilyn Manson if they sleep in the nursery with 5 well trained baby nurses overlooking their well-being. This will be the last, I repeat, last time you will have uninterrupted sleep for the next 18 years. I can count on both hands how many times I’ve slept past 9 in the past 10 years.

All I’m saying is this:  do not follow the pack when it comes to your body. There is A LOT of room for negotiation to allow you to be more comfortable during pregnancy.Just because Nurse Misery learned a technique at the vocational school doesn’t mean it’s practiced across the board (with the exception of washing hands with soap and water).

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