Family · Ridiculousness

Questions For My Husband Regarding Mealtime

Being that it’s Sunday many families gather around the table for just 1 special meal together. Growing up, it was an event since my father owned a restaurant and was a great cook. Often we were allowed to invite friends over for dinner. The invitees were always excited for the prospect of sampling my father’s food and probably more so because he allowed a Jr. Miss glass of wine with it.

I get home after my husband so he starts dinner. Below are 3 images and the questions I would like to ask to understand his thought process and why he did it:

CAN IN THE SINK

can in the sink....nice

I’m sorry but are we reusing the coke can as a container for future beverages?

Is this something ironic? Like a hipster thing?

Is this like when people bought mason jars to drink wine out of to feel rustic?

SETTING OF THE TABLE

Look, I’m not looking for Downton Abbey where they’re measuring spoon 1, fork 1, fork 2, fork 3, knife and spoon 2 perfectly against the edge of the table but I would expect something more than this:

setting of the table

Who is the lucky one that gets to use the 1 napkin….excuse me….paper towel?

Were you drunk when you attempted to set the forks next to the plates?

Piggy backing on question 1, who gets to use the 1 knife you set in the middle of the table? Is there a reason you are hiding the other 11 knives? Perhaps we could pass it around and take turns cutting our main course.

Really, you went all out in care and love for this table. This is worthy of a table at the Whitehouse.

THE UNRINSED PLATE

the unrinsed plate

I know there is someone out there right now that feels my pain on this one. Why the hell is it so hard to rinse a plate? Forget the fact you failed to transfer the plate over to the dishwasher but don’t exclaim “the dishwasher isn’t working” when you pull said dish out of a cycle and wing ding sauce is still on it.

And we just got a new dishwasher last year and it’s awesome but there aren’t chisels and acid in there that can take EVERYTHING off. You have to rinse the plates. I’m sure you are trying to conserve a little water but don’t worry, Al Gore will forgive you.

I mean, I could cook a filet, have candles and a tablecloth on the beautifully set table, come down the next morning because my husband would “clean up” and I would find the above in the sink; maybe even the Coke can. It’s enough to make you batty.

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Getting to Know You · Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Epic Fail? No Bitches*….Epically Awesome Award!

Epically Awesome Award

No one is calling anyone the B-word*. It’s a term of endearment for all of you I’m getting to know. Promise! When I went for a title, this was the first thing that popped in my head. Yes I know, I do need to speak with a licensed professional.

This award made my day and a HUGE thank you to Chatty Kerry for the nomination. This is even after ruining the Divergent series ending for her through a post from this morning. Please go to Kerry’s blog immediately, follow her, sign up with all forms of social media and love her! 🙂

So below are some questions I have to answer in order to keep my nomination. Like the last nomination I will ask it again: Will there be an evening gown competition? I need to go to David’s Bridal if that is the case.

1. You are awesome; tell us why.
Have you seen my gravatar? After asking my cousin (who is more of a hot mess than me) what image to use for my gravatar, she managed to get it right the first time with a Chinese Crested dog. Honestly, I didn’t even know “Chinese Crested” was a dog. I thought Chinese Crested was a food. Well….maybe it is in some parts of the world….who knows.

2. You are my friend; tell us about other friends.
I have different groups of friends. I have my sister and 2 cousins that know the real me. Whether it’s me calling Cousin #1 while stumbling around China Town during a business trip possibly drunk, Cousin #2 with the perfect gravatar or my sister who dealt with everything I dealt with while growing up; they know the most. I have my best friend I met almost 20 years ago, the gals in the hood (ok, let’s be real here…it’s the burbs) and now the new friendships I am starting to have with awesome bloggers.

3. Be creative, but it’s ok if you are having trouble with this one/ There are no direct questions to answer; let yourself run wild!

How is it I’m drawing a complete blank? I thought maybe if I start writing something will come. Oh wow, something is coming to me and it’s really stupid. I’m sorry. Just let it run it’s course. COPS. I just watched COPS with my son and have a few thoughts:

  • Why does the criminal think that if they claim something is “not theirs” the cops will be satisfied and no further testing will be conducted.
  • Do all criminals on COPS call each other the night before to plan their outfits? TWINSIES! The uniform, without fail consists of the following:
    • no shirt or white tank
    • cargo shorts
    • flip flops, knock off high tops or no shoes at all
  • I would love to know the stats of how many of the “runners” have actually gotten away.
  • When I sit down with my son to watch COPS, I pray that the inevitable cross dressing hooker episode doesn’t run.
  • Did every one of these criminals sign off to Fox/COPS for their image to be shown? If I’m busted with drugs while soliciting a hooker, I’m guessing this would put a damper on relationships as well as future employment.

4. Now notify your nominees and thank the blogger who nominated you.
Thank you again to Kerry at Postcards From Kerry. You are awesome and I am honored for this!

My awesome nominees are below. Like Charlie Sheen and alcohol, I have a high tolerance when it comes to comedy and these broads make me laugh….a lot! 

The Shameful Sheep

No Love for Fatties

G.H.B.M

Rachel Being Chatty

 

 

Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

E.L. James’s E-mail to Me

So occasionally on every other night, I will have a few glasses of wine. After 2 I begin to get brave and e-mail/post a bit freer than sober hot mess would. Below are 2 instances that are funny now that I look back on it. Let me preface this by saying I AM NOT CRAZY.

Instance 1

Veronica Roth- Author of Divergent (Spoiler alert ahead!)

I have had a long commute now for a few years. To combat the commute I signed up for Audible.com. Audible.com is beyond awesome because it is someone reading you stories while you drive. As immature as this sounds, I love that the actor/actress portrays each character in a different voice to make the story more believable.

I started listening to Divergent by Veronica Roth. I fell in love with the Divergent series. I was rooting for Tris and Four. I darted through books 1 and 2 with ease. Couldn’t wait till book 3 to seal the deal like Katniss and Peta. Then the shit hit the fan. Veronica Roth killed off Tris. This was the first and only time I cried from reading a book.

WHAT-THE-FUCK?

I began to search for alternate endings online. I found articles like “Will Hollywood Develop a Different Ending?” or “Fans Not Happy.”

‘Some up-and-coming author has to have an alternate ending,’ I thought. And they did but they were pretty awful and didn’t satisfy my appetite. I was now officially pissed.

One night, I had the bright idea to put the following image and caption on Veronica Roth’s Facebook page:

misery Kathy Bates
NOT COOL VERONICA….NOT COOL!

Too young to know the movie Misery? Click here: Misery

Obviously the next morning when I realized what I had done, I took it down. I was not a psycho.

Instance 2

I fucking love 50 Shades of Grey. There I said it. I have read each book 3 times. I don’t care if people say “it was poorly written.” This isn’t Shakespeare folks. I don’t want to come out of this a smarter person.

I am a proponent that if you had a good experience somewhere, with something or with someone, you let them know. It’s a nice little treat to get positive feedback. So one night, I let E.L. James know how much I enjoyed her books. She was kind enough to respond back. Here is the e-mail:

e.l. james

 

“Hey lady?” What the hell was I thinking?

 

Ridiculousness

3 Day Quote Challenge-Day 2

Again I can’t thank this AWESOME Blogger, NoLoveForFatties for nominating me for this challenge/award. THANK YOU!

Below are the rules should my nominees chose to participate (and I totally get it if you are too busy and don’t want to).

  1. Thank the person that nominated you.
  2. Post 1 to 3 quotes a day.
  3. Nominate 3 bloggers/friends a day.

And now in no order, my nominees for tonight are……..

  1. Postcards from Kerry She has great stories! Checkout her travel log! It will make you jealous!
  2. The Pop Culture Rainman Love her smart take on the entertainment world. Hell, there is even an article on a man braid. I’m intrigued.
  3. Lady Dickson Need a laugh? Please go here ASAP.

Crap, I almost forgot my quote(s). The 1st quote is inspired by my father. Growing up we had an Italian restaurant and this quote was in the front of the menu. It was kind of like an old school “about us” page, pre-internet.

QUOTE 1:

“Like a fine wine, may you become better with age.” And I’m sorry I have no idea who wrote that quote. There just seems to be thousands of variations.

 

QUOTE 2:

Here is a quote I made. I use it ALL THE TIME. Allow me to explain. You know how if you are avoiding someone at all costs then you are tasked with a project with this person? Or how you plan your wedding on a day that has never seen rain but then it decides your wedding day will be the first time it will rain on that particular day? This is what the quote is for.

“If Irony had a job, it would be a comedian.”

Ridiculousness · Work

I Saw Police Draw Guns for the First Time Yesterday

I don’t work in a horrible part of town, at least I would like to think it is an “up-and-coming” neighborhood which is hipster speak for “I really can’t afford where all my other hipster friends live so I’m going to live in this shit hole neighborhood and call it up-and-coming.

You want to know an easy way to determine if it’s up-and-coming? Count how many rainbow flags that are hanging. If there’s more than five it’s up and coming, if there’s only one, it’s too early to tell and you better just wait a few more months. My sister lives only 1 mile away from my work and when she first told me where her new house was and the first time I turned onto her street, I was in awe of how seedy a neighborhood she had selected.

Even the first day was a hot mess. As we were helping her move in,  a police van drove up, police got out and with a bullhorn, one of the policemen started shouting at a man running for his life to “stop and get on the ground”. Terrified, I looked over at my sister who had a look of terror in her eyes too. Her ‘what the hell have I gotten myself into’ look was was written all over her face.

After a day of unpacking, I kissed her goodbye and drove away. As I drove up the street, I saw not one, not three, but eight rainbow flags gently dancing in the wind. Suddenly I knew she was going to be okay. She was going to be alright.

Fast forward to last night when I was promptly leaving work in time to get home for my husband’s coaches meeting.  There is a retail store that sits at the entrance of our compound while the offices sit farther back in another building. Just as I put my car in reverse, a police van rolled up and parked in the middle of the parking lot in front of the retail store.

My first thought was, ‘Hey ass hole, this is worst then parking in a handy cap. Move your damn van. You think you have special rights or something?’ My thoughts were quickly dismissed when 2 officers jumped out with their GUNS pulled!!! GUNS people….guns.

I get that I work for a Western company and they’re all into shoot outs and cowboys and the wild wild West, but clearly this is not the place nor the time for a shoot out. I have never seen police pull their guns out. I even stared at them making sure it wasn’t a walkie-talkie, a 1995 cell phone or a flashlight. No, it was the real deal. They were holding their guns and  prepared to shoot. I was officially flipping out by now.

As I drove away completely staring at them, I caught the eye of one of the officers. He gave me a “you better not tip them off or I’ll come looking for you” look.

Roger that, I was out of there. As I pulled away they continued to hold their guns while entering the store. By now, I had visions similar to a bank robbery. I nervously reached for my cell phone and called my coworker to see what was going on.

She answered on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“Uh, this is going to sound really weird and I shit you not but there is a police van, andddd,” I was struggled to get the words out. “They have their guns pulled going into the store.”

Her reaction was half what I expected and the other half was unexpected as she seemed to act like this has happened before.

“Ok I’ll notify someone,” she said as if she had to come to a door to let someone on.

I began to rack my brain as to why police would have pulled guns and what the danger could possibly be. I began to make a mental list of all the people I knew that worked in the store and who seemed most likely to be running from the law. Sadly more than one person crossed my mind.

I waited and waited and waited for a call back from my co-worker. I had text her to tell her to call me the minute she finds out what happened.

So was there an old fashion shoot out? No. The reason is beyond stupid and I’m embarrassed to tell you. I wish I had a better ending. After impatiently waiting for 10 minutes, I got the following text:

 Police pulling their guns

Have you heard of this? Police drawing their guns due to a panic button being pressed? In my mind a twenty something guy wearing his best American Eagle polo and khakis, named Tim is at a call center. Tim calls the store to confirm there is an emergency then things progress as needed. Obviously I was wrong.

I guess this is the price you pay for working in an up-and-coming neighborhood.

 

 

Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

My World in Pictures

I take these funny pictures hoping it will make you laugh. Lord knows it makes me laugh. Below is a snip it of my life in images. Can you relate?

My weekly grocery cart

This is my typical grocery cart on a weekly basis. I play a game every week on “how many people can I get to roll their eyes, turn around and go to another lane” because I have too much shit to buy. The average is 2, the highest has been 4.

I lost the battle with the ice

Look, I don’t know the science of salt and what type of salt eats the ice. I just know we were out of it and all I had was Kosher, Sea Salt and Table. Seeing that I use the kosher the least and the crystals are the largest, I opted to try it. This was purely an experiment that clearly went wrong. I broke my ice scraper AND all the ice did not melt.

a 1/2 a stick of butter....really?

I felt like a horrible mom. The boy’s friend was over so I made 2 boxes of mac and cheese. This called for an entire log of margarine. I began to stir it like a butter churner just trying to get the shit to melt in preparation for the neon orange “cheese” powder. After about 5 minutes the log was almost gone. To offset my guilt, I served baby carrots with the mac and cheese.

a girl's gotta do

I am Italian. A boxed wine is unheard of. Hear me out. I found this wine after Forbes rated it pretty high. I felt so dirty like I needed to take a shower after picking this up at CVS. Had I stooped so low? Turned out to be better than I expected. With the $22 price tag and the equivalent of 4 bottles, this was a win win situation. Fast forward a year later and you have to rip the box open to reveal what looks to be a blood bag to squeeze the remainder out. Is it bad that I snip off the corner at the very end to get the last little bit out?

 

Ridiculousness

3 Days of Quotes Challenge

A very funny and awesome Blogger, NoLoveForFatties has nominated me for this challenge/award. A huge THANK YOU to her! This is my first nomination so I am very honored and think this calls for another plastic bottle of Sutter Home Cabernet Sauvignon.

I just have 1 question before we get started: Will there be an evening gown competition?

Below are the rules should my nominees chose to participate (and I totally get it if you are too busy and don’t want to).

  1. Thank the person that nominated you.
  2. Post 1 to 3 quotes a day.
  3. Nominate 3 bloggers/friends a day.

Ok, my first quote is rather inspiring and I like to say this to my sons when they are pretty much competing in anything. Are you ready? I don’t know if you can handle the deepness of this quote.

“If you ain’t first, your last.” ~ Ricky Bobby, 2006

Sorry, couldn’t help my self. If we need to get real here this is my all time favorite quote:

“That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.” ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

My 3 nominees (not in order because I’m not an asshole):

  1. theshamefulsheep   I know you’ve already been nominated but your shit is hilarious and you deserve to be nominated again!
  2. rachelbeingchatty Dear God your quotes are hilarious! It’s perfect for my moderate to severe ADD.
  3. whiningandwiningblog Got children? She understands and can make you laugh!

 

Plastic bottle #2…….

 

 

Family · Ridiculousness

WT Neighbors Threaten Me on My Porch

A chapter in 1 of my books. Sadly true but at least I can look back on it and laugh…

I thought I lived in a pretty decent neighborhood until this evening. I was driving home and once again, children were riding in the middle of the road. I waited like I always do but these kids were not moving. I continued to wait and finally they moved over. I went from probably 8 mph to about 10 just as a kid that was on the sidewalk swooped right into the street in front of my car. That was it. I slammed on my breaks and the horn, got out and yelled with not only voice but my hands, “Kids, if a car is coming, you get out of the way. I could have been a crazy person and hit you.” I said it slowly since these children weren’t the brightest.

10 minutes later I went out to walk my chihuahua. I noticed Bob, my neighbor was out weed wacking so stopped over to discuss this train wreck with him.

Just then, I see something moving out of the corner of my eye. It was a boy probably not even six years old and a teenage girl, both riding bikes in the middle of the road.

Again, I implored these two, “guys, get out of the middle of the road. You are going to get hit.” The six year old steered his spider man bike to the sidewalk. Smart boy. The teenager was defiant and stayed in the middle of the road all the while staring at me. She stared at me so much that she had her head turned completely around not paying any attention to what was in front of her.

I was so angry and worried for these kids I posted the following in our development’s facebook page:

street fight 1

I was a bit taken aback that someone was treating me like I was the ass hole here. I responded back in kind:

street fight 2

About 30 minutes later the unthinkable happened. I was on my front porch writing on my laptop. Out of the corner of my eye I saw two women walking towards my home. The first woman looked to be about 55. She had long, frizzy brown hair and wore glasses. Her wrinkles told me she was a smoker. When she called my name her raspy voice confirmed the theory. It was alarming she knew my name. The woman behind her looked even rougher. Her hair was pulled into a tight bun. I put her at 30. Judging by the amount of meth they both used, these women could have been 21. Tattoos covered bun girls pale arm that was partially covered by her purple scrubs. She followed closely behind grandma with her arms folded and head down.

“I wanted to talk to you about your posting”, grandma said as she came up my drive. “You left out the name calling.”

“The name calling?” I asked cocking my head to the side.

“Yes, you called our kids twerps” she blurted out as if she was going to explode.

“What are you talking about?” I asked completely confused. I have never used that name in my life. Maybe where they come from it’s traditional to call children names but where I come from, this is called mental abuse.

“First of all, what they said simply isn’t true. At no point did I call anyone names.”

“Well we separated them and asked them individually. I doubt they are all lieing if they all say the same thing individually. So you are lieing.”

Had these Einsteins not thought that maybe, just maybe, these kids made sure their stories were aligned before telling mommy this story?

I began to state my case. “I was driving home and about 6 of them were in the middle of the road. They finally moved over and just as I accelerated, a kid hidden behind an SUV swooped out in front of my car. I slammed on my breaks…”

“Why were you goin’ so fast?” Grandma asked.

I sat back in my chair horribly annoyed by now. “How fast was I going?” I asked since she clearly knew my speed.

“I dunno know”, she said as she rolled her eyes and through her hands in the air.

“Exactly!”

Knowing I had a point she opted for other tactics. “We have a lot of kids in this neighborhood…”

“I know. I have 2.” I said patiently.

She continued, “And if you don’t like kids….”

“Where on Earth did you get that from?” I interrupted. She did have somewhat of a point as I did not like their kids.

“If you don’t like kids, maybe you should just move,” she finished.

“Yeah, not happening”, I retorted. “You gonna let me finish my story?”

Half way through my story I noticed bun girl had a flicker of trust in what I was saying. It was quickly zapped away when grandma interrupted me and said “and you called them names.”

Additionally grandma touched on the below comments I made about teenage brat who did a completely 180 with her head:

“And that posting about the girl, I’ve never met a nicer teenager. She would never do anything like that. Her father is a pastor.”

This idiotic comment made me laugh. I don’t care if her father was Jesus. Her father being a pastor doesn’t mean she is not a nasty person. Here’s a few pastors for you grandma: Pat Robertson, Jim Jones and Jim Bakker.

“If you yell at my kids again, were gonna have problems. I’ll call the sheriff.” Bun girl announced.

“Really?” I said, “your gonna call the Sherriff? Have fun talking to my COUSIN!”

My cousin is one of the many sheriffs in the county. It surprised me though because when I think sheriff, I think just 1 distinguished old man walking around with a shiny gold star. Apparently that’s not how it works.

By now their voices had escalated and I could feel eyes on me. I looked to my left to see my middle aged neighbor Marty watching intently. ‘Would you like a bag of popcorn Marty?’ I thought. His eyes were as wide as the moon and he stood there in disbelief listening. ‘Ok, my husband obviously can’t hear this but if these women attack me, at least Marty has my back.’

I looked over again to see Marty had conveniently disappeared. Thank you Marty.

‘These women are going to jump me,’ I thought. I have never been in a fight in my life and this is really going to happen. I was sure of it. After leaving high school I was confident the chances of a physical altercation in my life was less than 1%.

It was no use talking sense into these Orange Is the New Black Extras. No matter what I said, they believed their brats. They were delusional and their tones concerning.

“If you cannot calm down, I will ask you to vacate my property,” I said calmly.

“I don’t care!” bun girl declared, “I’ll stand in the damn street and yell at you if I want.” She was in full blown orangutan now moving her head back and forth sounding more trailer park by the second.

“Please leave now,” I said as I grabbed my laptop and walked inside. I do not do drama and I was done.

So much of this surprises me in so many ways. First, these kids lying to their parents accusing an adult of name calling, the “adults” believing the children and lastly, the several people that defended the childrens’ rights to ride their bicycle in the street. I wouldn’t have said anything if these children were riding close to the sides but they were not only in the middle of the street but would not move over. If I saw that same posting and found out it was my child, I would have thanked the person for calling out it out  proceeded to go Joan Crawford on my kids.

Ridiculousness · Work

Only At My Job….

When I walked in on this today I had the same indifferent feeling I had in my 8th week of living in NYC when a 3″ cockroach tried unsuccessfully to scale my bathtub. The gigantic buck head (that’s what their called right?) came along with the territory and didn’t really phase me. Hell….it’s worth the picture just to share with you guys!

Family · Ridiculousness

Help! I’m Being Chattered to Death by My Children!

I’m currently rocking back and forth in fetal position sucking my thumb. My children, especially the oldest, has chattered me to death. Even now he explaining how he has devised a new method to laying his outfit out the night before.”Jesus Christ, I don’t care” is what I want to say. Instead I opt for the more motherly response of “Oh sweetie that is a great idea!”

To add to my bitching on this full moon evening, I would like to compare and contrast my household accomplishments for today vs my husband’s. He just came up here 10 minutes ago acting as if he had built an addition on to the house…so exhausted. He went down for his nap at 2 so I’m a bit perplexed.

Me
Made all breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Washed, folded and put away 4 loads of laundry.
Took boys to church*.
Grocery shopped, put away groceries.
Prepared boys backpacks for tomorrow.
Cleaned up 2 pissing pools courtesy of my 13 yr old chihauhau.
Unloaded/loaded dishwasher.
Took 2 hours to assist my youngest in cleaning out his hoarders paradise.
1.5 hours of work online so I am not beaten tomorrow in the office.

Husband
Took out 1 bag of trash.
Unloaded groceries from car yet without fail, choosing to leave any non-spoiling liquids, such as water bottles for me to take out.
Ran his laundry. He has yet to fold it. We will be lucky for it to be folded this week.

* Successfully made it another Sunday to church without burning upon crossing the threshold.

Thank you for listening to my complaining. I’m about to pour a bottle of wine in my 8 gallon drum wine glass and enjoy Downton Abbey.