Family · Ridiculousness

I Have a Man Maid

O.k, before you start thinking I’m a cougar or a puma (a puma is a cougar in training in case you didn’t know) this isn’t a pool boy scenario. I’m not that lucky.

A few years ago our friends and neighbors told us they had hired a housekeeper to come once a week to clean. For $85 a week you could have a spotless house until the kids came home from school.

‘$85 a week? I bet I could get her down $75’, I thought. I always loved negotiating and this was just one more way I could practice my craft. We were making pretty good money at the time and decided to interview him. She turned out to be a he. Not in a “she had an operation” sense, just that I originally thought the housekeeper would be a woman. I didn’t think there were any man maids out there with the exception of Downton Abbey.

After 10 minutes of negotiation, it was agreed upon that Jack would come on Wednesdays for $75 a pop. How I managed $75 I will never know considering my house has infinitely more layers of crap than my neighbors house he would be cleaning as well.

I’ve decided Jack is certifiably insane. There have been a few times I questioned if I want him changing the sheets on my bed and my sons’ beds. But then I think about what it’s like to change 2 bunk beds and I’m o.k with a little crazy. Here is a post I wrote on making a bunk bed and my disdain for it: My Son Wet His Bed

In addition to the crazy, Jack is missing the STOP TALKING button. Everyone knows someone that is missing it. I don’t know if these people don’t pick up on the nonverbal ques to “wrap it up” or just genuinely think everyone is interested in every single thing they say.

Below are just a few declarations Jack has made when we have unfortunately been at home when he is cleaning:

I don’t need to work, I’m retired (he’s 40). I just do this because I am OCD and like to clean.

My boy works for the CIA. They’re sending him on a secret mission to kill INSERT CURRENT TERRORIST  but it’s top secret so don’t tell anyone. I actually overheard him on his phone telling a relative the same thing and demanding that they don’t post it on facebook.

There are aliens. No really, there are. And he says it with a straight face and so much conviction that you almost feel bad telling him you don’t believe him. This is when he takes the next 15 minutes to prove to you why they do exist and why Area 51 (or Studio 54) is a real thing.

I am a direct descendant of the Hatfields and Mccoys. This is the point in time we get to review his lineage and artifacts he owns that belonged to Ma and Pa.

Billy Ray Cyrus is my cousin. Why would you tell anyone this? Why would you even make this up? If I’m going to lie and say I’m related to someone that used to be famous I’m going to go big and use John Lennon, Jackie-O or Abraham Lincoln.

We have reduced Jack’s cleaning times to every other week since we are not making as much as we once did. I try to clean the house on his off weeks but decide against it reasoning that I really should leave it to the expert.

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7 thoughts on “I Have a Man Maid

  1. You need to tell ol’ Jack buddy that while you appreciate his stories, that the exact pitch of his voice is a migraine trigger for you. Tell him “no offense,” “you do a great job,” and “my doctor says so” — if he tries to talk you into listening to his jibber jabber. Also, clutch your forehead and wrinkle your brow. Also, tell him that once the migraine hits, projectile vomiting soon ensues. I’ll think he’ll get the picture and get his 40-year-old-cleaning-retired-@ss to work, giving his overused mouth a break. Just an idea …

    Liked by 1 person

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