Ridiculousness

My Dealer is 3′ Tall

Over the past few years I’ve resisted the temptation to indulge in recreational cookies. About this time every year I see the girls, standing on the street corners, in front of JoAnn Fabric or Target pushing the cookie.

Some are pushin’ Tagalongs while others only deal in Thin Mints. The Scout Leader just stands behind them like ‘You know you want this bitch.’

And these girls are unapologetically adorable. They hold nothing back to move boxes of the cookie.

“Miss, would you like to buy a box of cookies to help me?” Cue Puss in Boots cute face.

I have resisted their charms till 2 weeks ago. Not only did a co-worker send out a group e-mail asking if anyone would like to buy a box but that same day I get a text from my friend, who’s daughter is selling. God damn it.

Friend: A is selling girl scout cookies. Do you want to buy any?

Me: Yes, I would like a box of Samoans.

Friend: Samoans?

Me: Yes, whatever they are called. Of coarse not the people. I’m not going to ask for a box of people. It’s those cookies with chocolate and coconut.

Friend: You mean Samoas?

Me: Probably.

A week later, I am sitting on 4 boxes of cookies- 2 from work and 2 from my friend. 3 of the boxes are Samoas while the 4th box is the Tagalongs. And dear God, I see why these are so popular. It’s like little baby angels made these cookies.

Back to reality, here are why Girl Scout Cookies are completely and utterly wrong!

  1. I think these cookies have been $4 since 1980. Inflation has had little to no affect on the price of Girl Scout cookies. Like crack cocaine, more people are hooked because it’s cheaper then say if you were to hit up Cheryl’s cookies. Don’t even get me started about Cheryl.
  2. You can’t escape Girl Scouts. They are in front of EVERY place of business, not to mention your neighborhood as well as your place of employment. Of coarse if you don’t either buy a box or have a convincing story that you’ve already supported another troop, you come off looking like the ass hole.
  3. Your thighs and stomach will NOT be amused after an entire box of cookies. They just won’t be. If anything, you are now a little fatter thanks to your friendly, neighborhood girl scout.

You know who really gets screwed here with the direct sales? Boy Scouts. What the hell with Boy Scouts? Do you know what they sell? Pop corn. Yes pop corn. And it’s not in a fancy tin or dipped in a special sauce. It’s that same microwavable kind but it’s $15 a box! Yes, $15! $15 vs. $4, tell me who is going to win this race?

So today around 3 I suddenly got the craving for a snack. ‘Girl Scout Cookies!’ I thought as I pulled my file cabinet drawer open. ‘That’s funny, these are awfully light.’ I thought as I gently shook the box up and down. I pull out the plastic sleeve only to discover there were only 3 left. I instantly regretted offering a cookie to my co-worker. She was going to take one, I was going to take one and all I would be left with would be 1 stupid cookie. This simply wasn’t going to work for me.

I marched over to my co-worker, completely disappointed she had left for the day. I got back to my desk and typed out the following text to my friend:

girl scout cookie pusher
I got a cookie on my back and it’s name is THIN MINT!

So you guys have a cookie addiction? Is your cookie dealer’s name Brittney or Amy?

 

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Ridiculousness

Good Morning Everyone!

May your week be awesome and you accomplish a gabillion things this week. In case you are wondering, gabiilion is the mathematical equivalent of 10 times a billion….in my head.

I didn’t post yesterday due to schedules yet stories are brewing in my head. Going to get through this trainwreck known as Monday then sit down this evening and have at it!

To Monday! The shittiest day of the week!

Ridiculousness

Best Card Ever!

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Ridiculousness

Best Game Ever!!!

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Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Help Me Get to 100!

Ok guys, I don’t know the protocol here but I am at 99 AMAZING, WONDERFUL followers! Can we get to 100 within the next 6 hours? I have so much fun talking with everyone and have already made several friends here! Who will be my 100th friend?

Thank you all for following me! I love to write and have so much fun with this!

Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Hot Mess House Hunter Homes to Choose From

As I mentioned earlier, the boys and I met S and her boyfriend to go house hunting today. You can thank my oldest son for only giving us 2 homes to choose from due to his ridiculously weak stomach. If he gets in a car for say, a drive around the neighborhood he gets car sick. Every year since 2007 he vomits at least 1 time in my car. It’s almost a tradition. After getting home, a miracle occurred and he was suddenly healed.

As promised, below are the 2 house options for them. Like House Hunters, look at the images and the facts then vote for which one she needs to pick! Both homes are around $189k and some change.

House 1

  • 3 bedrooms
  • 3 full baths
  • Semi finished basement
  • Covered back porch, fenced in yard

No granite counter tops allowed me to announce to the realtor that there were no granite counter tops. She looked at me as if “duh dummy.”

house1house 1.2house 1.4house 1.3

Please note the dry erase boards installed in the living room while there is a delightful  open air closet in one of the rooms. This house is the first one in a development and has a fire house directly behind them so at least they would be safe.

House 2

  • 4 bedrooms
  • 2.5 bathrooms
  • Unfinished basement
  • Patio, fenced in yard

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This house was clearly a flip. Brand new everything. I wish I had pictures of the bedrooms. These too do not have granite counter tops. This one is in a quiet neighborhood off a busy street but about .25 from Kroger, Burger King, Taco Bell and other restaurants.

So which house peeps? Which one should she choose? I know which one I would pick.

 

Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Hot Mess House Hunters

I was so excited to get the following text from my Sister-S:

House Hunting with hot messSo we are going house hunting! It’s ironic this is happening now after just writing the following post: House Hunter Cliches 3 days ago.

The best thing about this little outing? I get to say ALL the House Hunter cliches. We are going to complain about not having granite counter tops and going to jokingly (but not funny) stand in the walk in closet and announce “I know where my clothes will be. Where are you going to put yours?” And lastly I’m going to stand in the open floorplans and announce in all seriousness “this will be really great for entertaining all our friends and family.”

By now the Real Estate Agent will look from S and me and question who the buyer really is.

I can’t wait to report our findings to you guys. In fact I just had an awesome idea. I am going to take pictures of all the homes and present all of the facts like # of bedrooms, # of bathrooms, etc. to you guys. You guys get to vote on the house they will purchase*. Oh my God, it’s HOT MESS HOUSE HUNTERS!!!!! It’s amazing what coffee, your daily dose of ritalin and Moves Like Jagger will help you create.

*actual house selected may vary.

Ridiculousness

Drone Wars Part 1

I originally posted this when I had like 3 followers. Since I have a few more now, I would like to share it with you because it makes me laugh.

hotmessmemoir.com

I come down today from my 30 minute make believe nap to discover the boys attempting to rip into their new drones. My husband went up to take a cat nap of 3 hours so I knew I would be the drone queen for the afternoon.

P was already screwing something to something on his drone while C risked slitting his wrist while opening his box with a knife.

“Oh sweetie, let me do that.” I say lovingly as I grab the knife. I take each item out of the box anxiously looking for the directions since I know zilch about drones.

Of coarse P is the older son and has a 98 page manual written in English, Spanish and French detailing every possible scenario that could happen with the drone including when it falls into the hands of a zombie.

C being the youngest son has an adorable pamphlet…

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Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

I Suck at Maintenance

There I said it. I suck at all things maintenance. My doctor said it has something to do with my ADD and maybe that’t the truth. I just get frustrated. Please tell me someone out there finds any of this a struggle.

  1. Filters. Oh my God, how many f’ing filters can there be? Air filter, water filter, Dirt Devil filter, fridge filter, some sort of car filter….the list seems endless.
  2. Cleaning trash cans. Apparently you should clean out your trash can occasionally. I did not know this. I finally broke down and replaced our kitchen trash can after about 15 years. Once I discovered we were growing a new form of life at the bottom, I knew something needed to be done before it crawled out and attacked us.
  3. Keeping up with relationships. This is the worst and especially difficult, especially because I find talking on the phone a challenge. I hate talking on the phone. Nothing infuriates me more when someone calls me just because they are driving home from work. Just because you can’t find anything on the radio doesn’t justify me as your entertainment for 25 minutes.
  4. Christmas cards. Every year I buy Christmas cards thinking ‘Oh my God, people are going to love these!’ As each weekend comes and goes before Christmas, I find myself putting it off and putting it off. 3 days before Christmas I am doing the math: ‘well if I send them now, they’ll get them by Christmas eve since most people live nearby.
  5. Baby books. The same cliche applies: your really good with the first kid’s baby book then it all goes down the shitter with the second. Admittingly, I never filled out when they lost their teeth, hell it’s still happening. For the oldest I just made up random dates and put them by the bicuspid and the cupid teeth.
  6. Home maintenance such as checking the fire alarm (I know…I know), all filters mentioned above, or pulling crap from under the bed/sofa and vacuuming (by the way, does anyone else have trouble spelling vacuuming?). Again, growing new life forms with the dust and dirt.
  7. Updates on my phone and computer. After throwing my phone across the room for an app not working, I usually have a epiphany and realize I haven’t checked for updates in 6 months.
  8. Tags for my car. This is just stupid and a money maker. I have to pay $30 some dollars for a stupid sticker to confirm my car is registered. Annually there is a period between my birthday in December and now where I pass a police car and say to myself ‘oh my God, oh my God! This is it, I’m going to get a fine for this stupid sticker.’

What I need is a P.A. or Personal Assistant. Swear to God, if I ever came into money that would be like the first thing I would spring for. I wouldn’t want Martha Stewart as she would just look at me in disdain each day because of my non existent maintenance schedule. I would prefer someone like Flava Flav; equally a hot mess but has a clock around his neck so at least he could keep me on schedule.

Pop Culture

Who’s With Me? A Blogging Conference!

Bloggy Conference  Yeah, I just caught word of this on Twitter and it sounds really awesome! Not to mention there is an entire amusement park in the backyard! Who’s with me? I’m thinking about going but I don’t know anyone.

Please clear all schedules and plan on attending this conference with me on 9/16-9/18. I need to check out the rooms and see if the Sandwich Trick is a viable option to land a suite.