I have to thank blogger: Half Baked in Paradise for reminding me of the section in a 1950’s home economic book (below) meant for young girls to ready them for marriage. Sweet Jesus I forgot how delusional this person was that wrote this. I have decided that after each insane bullet point, I have questions and/or comments for the author. Got your wine ready? O.k. let’s get started.
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a deliciousmeal — on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Hot Mess: Plan ahead? That’s adorable. It doesn’t matter what you cook, someone is going to bitch about it. Sure, you could cook like the 50’s, mixing together a large bowl of cream cheese, sour cream, hash browns and creamy chicken soup but then your children will be obese by 3. Most men are hungry when they come home? I am hangry when I come home. It gets to the point where I call it my feeding. Sure, I only weigh 134 and I’m average height but I can hold my own.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
Hot Mess: You know what (me swaying my red wine around, almost spilling it as I get ready to loose my shit about this)? Your ass needs to freshen up for me. Ribbon in your hair? What is this, the cheer team? Jesus! Even in the 50’s the husbands were having fantasies of girl on girl action-be a little gay? And lastly, his day was boring because he is boring. Case closed.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
Hot Mess: My house looks like a scene from Hangover right now. I am counting the hours till my man maid comes to fix all of this. Just because you had hoarding issues with cats doesn’t mean you can advise others to clean up.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Hot Mess: You never had kids did you? Cats? No, that doesn’t count.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
Hot Mess: Wasn’t going to run the vacuum anyway so no worries on that front.
6. Some Don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
Hot Mess: Look, if I have a problem and/or complaint, my husband will be the first one to hear it.
“Honey, I found a lump today but enough about me. How was your day? Tell me everything. You had Chipotle for lunch?”
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Hot Mess: Did Hitler write this? This is not going to work for me. These continue to get worse as I read on.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Hot Mess: No ass hole, ladies first. I’m probably going to be slightly more entertaining anyway. If I want to know what the head soccer coach said at practice today, which will probably never happen, I’ll ask.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
Hot Mess: I have very little hope these days for going out to eat, especially when I hear “Texas Roadhouse? That’s so expensive.” Make the evening his? I have laundry to do and stories to write people.
10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Hot Mess: My summary? This was written by a delusional man who had absolutely no social skills and mommy issues. My guess is he died alone with his 43 kittens surrounding him in his Boca Raton ranch.