Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

How I Hate Walmart….Let Me Count the Ways

I avoid Walmart at all costs. The minute I pull into the parking lot I mutter “God give me the strength” as I can literally feel my blood pressure rise. There’s a reason  People Of Walmart exists. I’ve actually contributed photos to this site thanks to my smart watch. Had I been caught, I would have been beaten up.

Unfortunately I had to go to Walmart.

“So why did you go to Walmart, Hot Mess?” You ask.

Truth is, there is no excuse dear reader. I could have tried harder by going across the street to Target and calling it a day. No, I needed the following: a hamper, Valentine cards for my sons’ classes and lastly a Starbuck Refresher that I can now find at only a handful of places. I’m addicted to Starbuck Refreshers. I am quite confident that like Coco-cola, they are going to find out there was a highly addictive substance in it. Until that time comes, I will indulge.

The One Consistent Factor of Every Walmart

There is 1 consistent factor of every Walmart. I don’t care if it’s the San Diego Walmart, the Mc Allen, Texas Walmart or a Walmart in China. This consistent factor is the Walmart baby.

The Walmart baby just adds that little special je ne sais quoi to an experience that is already on par with a root canal. I say Walmart baby but the child can be as old as 4 and has at least 1 of the following characteristics:

  • A Kool-Aid mustache
  • A green (it’s vital it’s green) snotty nose
  • A shirt that hasn’t been washed since ALF was popular on television
  • Optional shoes
  • Optional pants-dirty shirt and diaper are fine on occasion
  • An ear piercing scream that doesn’t stop because the care giver is oblivious to how this child is affecting everyone in a .25 mile radius

The funny thing about the scream is it’s almost like the baby is shopping for the exact same things as you thus following you around.

Express Check Out-20 items or less

This drives me insane ANYWHERE and it’s particularly bad at The Walmart. First of all, you will end up at the 1 express lane that has a handwritten note that says “sorry, only accepts cash”. Are we Amish here? Second, I’m on board if you have 21 items, but don’t be the ass hole who is checking out with Thanksgiving supplies.

While standing in the express line yesterday I decided something important. Walmart baby was directly behind me screaming yet I had a moment of clarity despite the shrill cries. I decided that if for some reason I become rich, I am going to get an extremely temporary job at Walmart as a Cashier so I can do what I wish all the cashiers would do. Ask people to recount their basket and if it’s filled with too many Duck Dynasty posters or Mt. Dew; to kindly go to the line for 21+ items. Because I’m rich and don’t need the job in this scenario, I can get just as mouthy with them as they get with me.

Ahhh, one can dream. What is your experience at Walmart? Do you have any pictures? Have you given your Walmart baby a name? I haven’t but I should. Hmmm……it really needs to evoke the essence of Walmart.



11 thoughts on “How I Hate Walmart….Let Me Count the Ways

  1. Hahaha! This is great… and ridiculously accurate! I can feel myself shudder when I pull into the Walmart parking lot. I usually avoid it like the plague, but once in a while… ugh. Yes, the baby! Always!! Especially the screaming. I’ve never been brave enough to snap any photos, though. 🙂

    Target is my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t explain it. Most of us hate the place yet we find ourselves there (or at least me) once a month. What is wrong with us? Is this the price we pay for a deal? Then as you walk through the main aisles your overstimulated (in addition to Walmart baby right around the corner) because they have those stupid tvs in the grocery section advertising products that are obnoxiously loud. Gwah! My blood pressure is going up just thinking about it.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. No, you nailed it. They have something stupid we need and we are forced to go. Admittingly every year I get my sons’ valentines there b/c not only are they cheap but they are unique unlike other places. This year’s valentine transforms into a sports field then part of the valentine folds up into a ball and they throw the little ball.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m with you, girl! Although I can handle the babies better than the smelly adults, who for whatever reason have become so used to their stench they’ve decided they “don’t need to bathe.” I’ve dry heaved a couple times behind the stinky middle aged man with a thin, brown film covering his clothes. Eww. Online shopping…that’s where it’s at. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Look, I get we shouldn’t have to dress up to go grocery shopping but what you stated above is unacceptable. Perhaps we should stage a protest? I will let you know if I decide to protest my local Walmart. You can stage a protest in your city. I don’t know what we are protesting: smelly people, Walmart baby, the decline of society or all of it. Let’s brain storm here.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think my favorite part of Walmart is the person that tries ramming you with their buggy over and over again thinking you will back up. When in fact there is a whole other half of an aisle they could utilize. You definitely hit the nail on the head with this post.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mzkaylea, this is new to me and may not have made it to the Midwest yet (unless you too live in the Midwest; then I clearly live under a rock). Are you saying, like bumper cars, people hit your cart just to get around? Depending on how “hard” they look, I usually tailor my “excuse me” to go around them. If they look like they are going to mug me later in the parking lot, I simply leave the aisle and go up another aisle to get to the other side of the last aisle the potential altercation would have taken place.


    1. I did but normally it was for images of when a 600 woman wore sweats that read JUICY on her ass. I keep trying to get an image of the Wal-Mart employee who wears a kilt to work but haven’t gotten the right angle without looking like an ass hole.

      Liked by 1 person

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