Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Just in Time for Valentine’s Day- Sexy Time Gone Incredibly Wrong

This is a very R rated post being that it’s Valentines Day. If you are offended easily, please do not read this. Seriously….this is like a funny 50 Shades posting. Sadly this happened about 4 years ago.

Soooo, in an effort to spice up our sexy time we added Pure Romance “tools”. I had acquired these having been invited to several Pure Romance parties. Have you ever been? HILARIOUS! It’s just food, wine and a bored housewife showing you the benefits of a pen that doubles as a vibrator (no joke this exists and can be purchased).

One night we decided to take our naughty time in the living room. It was a mutual understanding that anytime we brought toys downstairs, my husband would take all of them back upstairs and stash them in the armoire.

The next morning I was busily running around the kitchen making the lunches I should have made the night before.

“Look what I found,” I heard P announce beside me.

I did the typical glance up then back down when obviously the contents required a second glance. I began to feel lightheaded as I saw what my oldest was holding. In his hand was a 9″ pink butterfly vibrator. It had  5 speeds, a reverse and capable of different sections moving in different ways. You could launch a rocket with this thing and that is what it did for me, each and every time.

I held out my hand expecting him to hand it over immediately.

“Thank you P,” I said as cooley as one can when your child is holding a vibrator…nay….your pink vibrator.

“No!” He protested.” I want to massage your back.”

He must have turned it on and felt the vibration because he thought it was a back massager. We had a back massager in our linen closet but clearly not shaped like a candle stick.

Because I knew he would hand the vibrator over quicker if I obliged, I turned around slowly, bent down and closed my eyes in complete horror.

As he began to rub it in the middle of my back, all I could think was ‘This isn’t happening. God this isn’t happening. Kill me now Lord.’

How could my husband have let this happen? How does one overlook a gigantic, neon pink vibrator laying on a dark grey sofa?

After 3 seconds of the “back massage” I turned back around, scooped up the vibrator and blurted, “Ok, thank you for my back massage! Just gonna put this away now. ”

Every time I think back to that nightmare, I also remember the scene in Parenthood where the lights go out as Steve Martin announces he found a candle. The lights return on seconds later and he realizes it’s not a candle he is holding but his sister’s vibrator.

Happy Valentine’s Day All!

 

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16 thoughts on “Just in Time for Valentine’s Day- Sexy Time Gone Incredibly Wrong

  1. Oh my. I’m snorting I’m laughing to so hard.

    I wonder at what age he realized what it was. Or if he ever has.

    He’s probably forgotten. It really only had moment to you because you knew the context. To him it meant nothing. Still FUNNY though.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. A year or two ago I was at my grandma in laws for dinner. Her “back massager” (big scary industrial looking hard plastic vibrator) was in the kitchen just sitting on the counter. I got there after working, apparently she had used it on my brother in laws neck as an example. Terrifying, traumatizing…. Weird

    Liked by 1 person

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