This is a very R rated post being that it’s Valentines Day. If you are offended easily, please do not read this. Seriously….this is like a funny 50 Shades posting. Sadly this happened about 4 years ago.
Soooo, in an effort to spice up our sexy time we added Pure Romance “tools”. I had acquired these having been invited to several Pure Romance parties. Have you ever been? HILARIOUS! It’s just food, wine and a bored housewife showing you the benefits of a pen that doubles as a vibrator (no joke this exists and can be purchased).
One night we decided to take our naughty time in the living room. It was a mutual understanding that anytime we brought toys downstairs, my husband would take all of them back upstairs and stash them in the armoire.
The next morning I was busily running around the kitchen making the lunches I should have made the night before.
“Look what I found,” I heard P announce beside me.
I did the typical glance up then back down when obviously the contents required a second glance. I began to feel lightheaded as I saw what my oldest was holding. In his hand was a 9″ pink butterfly vibrator. It had 5 speeds, a reverse and capable of different sections moving in different ways. You could launch a rocket with this thing and that is what it did for me, each and every time.
I held out my hand expecting him to hand it over immediately.
“Thank you P,” I said as cooley as one can when your child is holding a vibrator…nay….your pink vibrator.
“No!” He protested.” I want to massage your back.”
He must have turned it on and felt the vibration because he thought it was a back massager. We had a back massager in our linen closet but clearly not shaped like a candle stick.
Because I knew he would hand the vibrator over quicker if I obliged, I turned around slowly, bent down and closed my eyes in complete horror.
As he began to rub it in the middle of my back, all I could think was ‘This isn’t happening. God this isn’t happening. Kill me now Lord.’
How could my husband have let this happen? How does one overlook a gigantic, neon pink vibrator laying on a dark grey sofa?
After 3 seconds of the “back massage” I turned back around, scooped up the vibrator and blurted, “Ok, thank you for my back massage! Just gonna put this away now. ”
Every time I think back to that nightmare, I also remember the scene in Parenthood where the lights go out as Steve Martin announces he found a candle. The lights return on seconds later and he realizes it’s not a candle he is holding but his sister’s vibrator.
Happy Valentine’s Day All!