My Job In Hell? Changing The Top Bunk Of Every Bunk Bed

My 6 yr old son wet his bed last night. I’m over it. But he didn’t just wet his bed, he wet his bunk bed. For anyone who hasn’t had the honor of changing a bunk bed, allow me to paint you a picture: If I go to hell, my assigned job will be to change the top bunk of each and every inhabitant of hell. And they will all have bunk beds.

Changing a (dry) bunk goes like this: you stand at the top corner and rip off the fitted sheet and attempt to pull it to the foot of the bed. 99% of the time this will not work so you have to climb the ladder and yank off the stubborn foot corner. You throw the sheets on the floor in complete anger questioning why the hell you would buy a bunk bed in the first place. Oh yeah, the rooms of your home are about 12 x 5.  Next you take the fitted sheet and gingerly wrap it around the top, left corner. You know this is in vein yet you attempt it anyway. You duplicate this by wrapping the right hand corner. You cringe as you see these new corners slowly inching their way up as you are pulling the 3rd and 4th corner to their respective areas. It’s like they are taunting you. As the 3rd corner is wrapped around the mattress, you now realize the conundrum you are in. How do you stretch the 4th and final corner? You “donkey it”. What I mean by “donkey it” is you literally kick your feet in the air (like you just don’t care) while swiftly attempting to wrap the final corner around the bed. It’s a moment you want NO ONE to see. This method is successful 66% of the time. The other times involve you ruining your cuticles as you squeeze your hands between the slats and the mattress, trying to tuck it all in. Frankly, Ru Paul has it easier.

C’s mattress is, um, sorry, I’m trying to find a word to describe it. We weren’t responsible parents and put a mattress pad on it 10 years ago. I’ll just be real. No, too much work. If I were to describe the mattress to you, I would say it looks like a mattress you would find in any well appointed crack house. Piss stains are all over it along with blood stains from bloody noses when the air was dry. I would say the only thing missing is a junky rolling off of it onto the floor.

Because I take initiative, I would like to also tell you that this mattress is a hand me down from his big brother. Big brother equally pissed in his bed on a regular basis. When bestowing it upon C we simply flipped it over to the lesser pee side and said “look at your brand new mattress!” Side note, for our oldest sons mattress, we did purchase and use a mattress cover. I’m sure C will be elated.

I’ve decided to treat the peeing in the bed like the factory that notes x amount of days without an injury. C just set the clocks back another 6 months. I told him I’ll buy him a  new mattress after he can go 6 months accident free. He looked a tad discouraged about this news but quickly returned to questioning why our fucking elf on the shelf has yet to make his debut. Don’t get me started about the elf…..

13 thoughts on “My Job In Hell? Changing The Top Bunk Of Every Bunk Bed

  1. I think this post can double as “birth control” … after reading this I’m not so sure I want kids … oh wait, I’m close to 50 and oh, yeah, I had that hysterectomy-thingy. But thanks for the sales pitch again!

    Yeah, and making the top bunk bed is a biatch … I was in the military and know only how much fun it is. Of course, a pee-filled bed adds a whole new layer of fun! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I have worked in the ER and seen numerous homeless people and being a nurse I’ve cleaned more uriney-poopy-vomitus beds than I can count!

        Military — the Navy … you know N.A.V.Y. — “Never Volunteer Yourself Again”! No, no kidding I served my country with prides (gags). 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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