I have begun my plans for April Fools 2016. Every year I trick my boys….majorly. It’s gotten so bad that last year I found a purple post it note on my sons shelf that said “April Fools Day-don’t be fooled”. Last years trick involved barbies, Teen Beat magazine and the frozen song. I’ll post that a little later this week. If you promise not to commit me, I will let you in on the first round of brainstorming.
Code name: BAG LADY
I will hire a large, older lady from one of the many local theaters for April Fools between the hours of 2am and 7pm. I have taken the necessary precautions and confirmed the holiday is on a Friday and they are not off of school for some ridiculous reason.
I will welcome the boys into the house like normal but ask them to sit down on the sofa because I need to tell them something. I will first walk them through what it means to be generous and how we can find ways to help others, you know, blah, blah, blah. I will then tell them the story of how I was going through the drive through at Wendy’s when I saw a Birkenstock clad foot peeping from behind the trash compactor wall. I was concerned for this person’s safety so I went over to check on them only to find Maude. Yes, I’ve decided to call her Maude. Don’t know why, it just came to me.
I want her to only wear moo-moos. For extra credit she will have those creepy glasses that turn from regular glasses to sunglasses outside. She needs to be loud, bossy and not grandmotherly at all. She will also have an obsession with cats.
I will continue telling the boys (this will be the fork in the road of either I lose my shit to a fit of laughter or continue with a well rehearsed poker face) that there were 3 kittens, all white, meowing around Maude. One was licking her face while the other was eating a chicken nugget that laid lifelessly in Maude’s hand. Maude was either asleep or dead and I needed to find out.
I will let them know that Maude was recently evicted from the YWCA because of smuggling in Macklemore, Eminem and Yelawolf, aka, da’ kittens. She has nowhere to go for a week. Her daughter is working fast to make enough in tips to afford a bus ticket to Myrtle Beach.
“I know this is going to be somewhat cramped and you guys weren’t expecting this but I have offered Maude a roof over her head for 1 week. We have that air mattress and she will share a room with you guys. I figure we’ll put all of her things in one of your rooms and she can sleep in the other. I hear CPAP machines are pretty loud so whoever is her roommate, I will give you a set of earplugs. Maude is using your bathroom right now to take a bath but should be down any minute.”
This will be the que for Maude to make her grand entrance. It is imperative that she has one of her moo-moos on, creepy glasses and waddles (not walks) over. I need to find a way to photograph the look of disdain and fright on the boys’ faces when they meet Maude for the first time. They will be on guard since it is April Fools Day and wonder if this is yet another prank. Surely mom isn’t crazy enough to hire a very realistic actress to prank us. Because I’ve taught my children polite behavior, they will know better than to question Maude’s unfortunate circumstances or my act of good will.
At first I want Maude to be the sweet, polite guest allowing the boys to become comfortable with her. Once they are, then I want Maude to start barking orders and playing the “respect your elders” card at the same time. Various requests I would love for Maude to demand:
“Can you rub my foot? I have circulation issues.”
“Can you go upstairs and get my fanny pack?”
“Will you help me find my golden buckeye card? It should be in my purse.” Her purse will be a prop that is loaded with cookie crumbs, m & m’s, her pocketbook, a laminated A Cat Owners Prayer card and a back issue of Cat Fancy.
P and C’s rooms will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I have decided the air mattress will be set up in C’s room. The mattress will be neatly made, complete with one of those bedspreads from the 1940’s and topped with embroidered cat pillows. Maude will have already put out tomorrow’s change of clothing which will be moo-moo #2, skin colored, massive old lady underwear and a cross your heart double Z bra.
In P’s room we will stow the luggage and all the cat things. Perhaps I need to check on E-bay for paraphernalia. Maybe I can borrow a cat tree from a neighbor and put that in his room. Again, live cats are still on the bargaining table.
I will need to acquire an immense amount of cat paraphernalia over the next 2 months. The first thing that came to me were cat pillows for some reason. I will buy the following products and stock in the boy’s bathroom: Hemmorhoid Suppositories, TENA Serenity Overnight Pads, past copies of AARP and Gold Bond.
When not wearing her signature moo-moo, I will have a Hanes sweatshirt with the most obnoxious cat image one has ever seen. I will pair this monstrosity with turquoise, elastic waist sweatpants, 1 size too small.
We will sit down at 4 for a hearty meal of peas and spaghetti noodles.
“I told Maude that because she is our guest, she gets to decide what was for dinner for the next few nights. Tomorrow is liver and onions. Now I don’t know how to make liver and onions but Maude has promised to show me”, I’ll say as I smile at Maude and the boys look at me horrified. I know it’s considered a talent to be able to cry on demand as an actor. I hope belching and farting on demand is an option too because I want Maude to do both during dinner.
After dinner, I think I’ll ask Maude to launch into a story that is not only unbearably long, but one that makes you feel extremely uncomfortable regarding the topic. I’m down with Maude adlibbing or I can create a story for her to memorize. I want it to be very Nutty Proffessor-esque when the family was sitting around the table discussing the topic of relations. I’m kind of going back and forth between an infected wart on her big toe or freezing her elder cat, C-Diddy.
I would now like to open the space up now for BAG LADY brainstorming, ideas and comments.