Why Did God Allow Duck Dynasty?

I have never in my life sat down and watched Duck Dynasty. I never will unless kidnapped and tortured.

I was flipping through the channels and noticed a Jed and Jessica show.

‘That guy looks like one of those Duck Dynasty hayseeds,’ I thought. Turns out it was a spin off of Duck Dynasty.

Just as I was about to turn the channel, the bimbo is on screen holding a baby.

‘That looks like a black baby,’ I thought. How ironic.

Camera goes out, camera comes in again. She is holding a black baby. After googling it, I come to find out they adopted this child,  having 4 children already. Ironically, this adoption occurs after the patriarch hayseed made a few inappropriate comments about black people and lost a gabillion viewers and contracted deals resulting in millions.

“How we gonna turn this back around?” I could see all of them asking at a conference table with their beards.

“Well Jep, uses gonna’ dopt’ a black baby.”

“Just one question,” Jep demands. “Can I keep my man bun?”

Annoyed didn’t do it justice for what I felt. Weren’t they already millionaires for some stupid whistle?

Surely it’s true love. Aside from his money, he is such a catch…..

Seriously, these d-bags gave the Kardashians a run for their money with regards to being the biggest fame horrors I’ve ever seen. It goes…..

Kardashians

Duck Douches

57 Kids and Counting

I pray they adopted this child with loving intentions and he will be treated exactly the same as the 4 biological children. My gut tells me differently and it makes me sad. I say that because if they truly adopted to adopt, they would say to themselves, ‘we are not going to publicize this adoption. We are not going to go on the today show, parading our new son around like a pony to show that this money making empire is not racist. See, hayseed senior has a black grandson.

Additionally, I saw a man bun and lost it. A man bun on a Duck Dynasty spin off is like having Will Ferrell on C-Span. You just don’t do it. It’s like a bunch of closeted hipsters.

The wives of this show are fame ho’s if I ever did see one.

“Oh, our knuckle dragging hubbies are making money, selling huntin’ whistles. I’m just gonna take a self defense course cause I’m a scrappy southern belle who needs somethin’ fun to do!” He-he…..

Essentially, these women are “the real housewives” just with bearded husbands. I just threw up in my mouth due to all of this.