Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Direct TV and the Obnoxious Toupee Guy

Sam’s Club to me is the equivalent of the uppty part of a town while Walmart is considered the ghetto. This theory was tested today during my hot mess grocery shopping trip. I always imagine Sam’s Club Associates having a slightly better than you attitude when interacting with their Walmart compatriots.

My Sam’s Club membership had run out and after much discussion, we decided to renew. I wanted to renew because there was a memory foam/cooling pillow I wanted to buy. I had bought one for my husband for Christmas and have pretty much used it every night since. The pillow was also down to $30 and after visiting it many times, I decided today would be the day I would buy my own.

As we walked in and flashed my card to the host, or whatever you call them. Greeter? I growled quietly as I looked to my left and saw that the line was 8 people deep, despite 6 people working the desk. After 10 minutes, it was my turn. Why does getting a Sam’s Club membership closely resemble the same process of standing in line at the DMV? It’s exhausting, boring and requires a ton of wait time.

After that debacle, I was ready to shop. Just as I cross the 200″ inch, flat screen t.v’s, the Direct TV Sales Rep jumped in my path, completely catching me off guard. He was the spitting image of Kevin Hart, just a little taller.

“Mam! Can I ask you who your tv provider is and how much your cable is?”

“Ummm…..it’s Time Warner. I hate it and it’s roughly a thousand dollars a month.”

His eyes got wide clearly not catching onto my sarcasm.

“No, it’s like $240 a month. It’s ridiculous.” I corrected. The only reason I was putting up with his sales pitch was because I was done getting bent over by our cable provider. My husband refuses to just do Hulu, Netflix and Sling, scared he is going to miss some epic sports event so I was willing to hear him out. Despite being a proponent of instant gratification, I was prepared to wait a day to watch Walking Dead if it meant saving over $100 a month.

Just then, a large man who clearly didn’t transition from pajamas to day wear, was motoring up behind Kevin Hart in his electrical scooter. The thing that caught my eye was that he was clearly wearing a toupee. The toupee had an orange hue to it and was from Donald Trump’s Toupee line from Macy’s. I know it had to be a toupee because the hair underneath was salt and pepper color. He was smiling at me just as he put his index finger over his mouth, signaling that he was about to do something mischievous.

He could barely get the words out, thinking he was being so clever and funny. I wanted to scream. There is nothing more annoying then an oblivious person being completely obnoxious because they think they are just the cat’s meow. They think they are being cute and everyone is just going to have the biggest laugh from their witty shenanigans.

“Sir, why did my direct TV stop working  during the snow storm?” Obnoxious man asks.

“Sir, I’ll be with you in a…” Kevin Hart begins to say.

“No.” Obnoxious man sticks his finger in the air stopping Kevin Hart in mid-sentence, while moving his other hand up and down, splayed, to signal this conversation isn’t over. Kevin rolls his eyes. I don’t blame him, my eye rolling was coming.

“I just want you to tell me,” he winks in my direction, “why doesn’t my cable work?”

At this point I jump in. I’m pissed, annoyed and want to leave the situation. Not only am I wasting time having to hear all the benefits of Direct TV but before we get to that part, I have to listen to this ass wipe try to be cute. I felt bad for Kevin Hart and it was time to stop this non-sense.

“Basically he just wants to complain about how awful his cable is in front of me; clearly knowing you were pitching it.” I say, failing miserably to disguise my annoyance at the whole situation.

Obnoxious man doesn’t pick up on my frustration as he is completely oblivious that anyone would find any fault in his antics. Instead, he just smiles at me shaking his head up and down as if I’ve cracked the code. 

Finally after what felt like an hour, he grabs the handle bars and slowly drives away at .5 mph.

“Unbelievable! Him and his toupee need to keep drivin’ away,” I said.

Kevin Hart found this funny and doubled over in laughter. Obviously he was thinking the same thing. After 5 more minutes of Kevin Hart’s spiel, I give him my husband’s phone number (I’m not dealing with this again), thank him and now begin grocery shopping.

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6 thoughts on “Direct TV and the Obnoxious Toupee Guy

  1. TWC is too expensive. They are raping us. When is Google fiber coming? Why doesn’t your husband get NetFlix … oh, yeah, he’s the same guy who won’t do his laundry. NetFlix streaming and/or in the mail is the bomb. I have now watched over 500 movies like all the rest of normal America, just catching up to what “everyone else” is doing … finally.

    Liked by 1 person

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