So here I am like any other woman in America: watched everything there is to watch on any given day. What else is there to watch? House Hunters or House Hunters International.
House Hunters is like watching COPS or like that trusty pair of jeans- you know it’s always there and you always enjoy them. Despite this fact, there has been a certain amount of annoying people/phrases that see to ALWAYS grace an episode. And I would like to present them to you:
House Hunters Domestic:
It’s not granite counter tops– this is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I don’t fucking care if it’s not granite. What the hell is granite anyway? I know it’s some durable, thick counter top but honest to God….get over it!
The master bedroom is a little small– hissing right now at this comment. First of all, where did this name come from? Is it seriously as racist as it seems to me? The Master bedroom? How about we just call it the biggest bedroom?
Where are you going to put your stuff?- the woman says to her husband when checking out the walk in closet. Oh stop Amy! You are sooo funny and witty coming up with that! As if the 50,000 oblivious women before you didn’t say that. So witty.
I could see us entertaining friends and family here– Oh my God just stop. Your not fucking Martha Stewart. This isn’t the 17th century where you are going to have a ball, and a long, gilded dinner table with butlers serving you. Just stop, seriously. Do you hear yourself?
The kitchen is the nucleus of the house– this one came on the list unexpectedly as I just heard a douche baugette say it.
They will choose the house over budget.
The budget is minimum $250,000.
House Hunters International:
Some of the homes presented were originally lived in by Socrates yet cost $1.5 million. After I pick my jaw up from the floor I listen intently as I hear these trainwrecks justify why they want to live in the side of a mountain in Tuscany that currently has no running water, no electricity and has been overrun by snakes.
When a young family is involved you can usually detect the hesitation in the wife: Normally it’s a family living in like Boise, Idaho or Indianpolis, In. and they have at least 3 children.
“Ha ha, yeah we are so happy about Mark’s promotion.” Eyes dart down then up. “We can’t wait to give the children a multi-cultural viewpoint…..in Kabul…..which is basically the ball sack of the world. So excited. Can’t wait to entertain all our friends and family.”
After the the million dollar hovel is decided upon, I love the 3 month “check up”-Dear God this part is hilarious to me. Because all remodeling supplies has had to be brought up by a donkey and a midget, things are going slower than expected. Next shot is of the couple living in the “kitchen” which consists of a table covered in oil cloth and a hot plate. But they are “so happy” because they are “close to town.”
I know I’m missing like a million cliches with this show so please add to this for all the ones I missed.