Ridiculousness

Meet and Greet Weekend @ Dream Big: 2/26/16

Check this out all! It’s a great opportunity to find other awesome blogs to follow!

Dream Big, Dream Often

always dream big orlando espinosa credit: orlandoespinosa.com

It’s the Meet and Greet weekend at Dream Big!!  I cannot believe it is almost March, but as we all know time keeps marching on…pun intended!  lol

Ok so here are the rules:

  1. Leave a link to your page or post in the comments of this post.
  2. Reblog this post.  It helps you, it helps me, it helps everyone!  So don’t be selfish, hit the reblog button.
  3. Edit your reblog post and add tags.
  4. Feel free to leave your link multiple times!  It is okay to update your link for more exposure every day if you want.  It is up to you!

  5. Share this post on social media.  Many of my non-blogger friends love that I put the Meet n Greet on Facebook and Twitter because they find new blogs to follow.

Now that all the rules have been clearly explained get out there and Meet n Greet…

View original post 7 more words

Advertisements
Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Nominated Again!

Well just when I thought I was having shitty day #2, I get a most wonderful message from Justin in Queso stating I’ve been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Yes, I’ll be flying to Switzerland with P-diddy and Kim to acc-e……wait….I think I got that wrong. Oh snap I got that wrong. I was nominated for the Versatile Blog Award and The Infinity Dreams Award. Amanda, did I get that right? I don’t want to be that ass hole that gets it wrong. 🙂

Here are the rules for these awards:

1. Thank the person that nominated you and include a link to their blog.
2. Nominate 7-14 other bloggers for the award. Link to their blog and let them know!
3. If applicable: Answer your nominator’s questions and ask 7-11 questions to your own nominees.
4. If applicable: Share 7-11 facts about yourself.

So I am a prankster and I will be sharing 7-11 facts about me but I will NOT miss the chance to ask questions of my favorite blogs. So here it goes:

Facts about me:

  1. I have a severe phobia of snakes. So much so that upon walking up my walkway with $20 of fast food, I promptly dropped all of it all over the place when a snake slithered across my path. Curly fries were everywhere. I ran to my neighbors house and made my husband give me a piggyback ride back to the house. 24 hours later I have my landscaping cousin ripping up all the bushes and pouring concrete.
  2. I once met Paris Hilton in LA. Since we were both waiting for the valet, I took the opportunity to tell her I loved her show- The Simple Life. My sister thought I was complimenting her dress and in her valley girl voice she chimed in, “yeah, it’s really pretty.” I looked at her with a ‘what the fuck S? Please stop talking.’
  3. My Chihuahua is approximately 103 years old. I let her roam the neighborhood as I have a philosophy that “if it was meant to be, she will come back.”
  4. I wear SPF 100 and have come to terms with my albino skin.
  5. I HATE answering my phone. I have roughly 40 message right now, all of which will not ever be listened to.
  6. My favorite movie is Stepbrothers. Some day I will meet Will Ferrell.
  7. I once signed up for an Insanity Workout with Shawn-T thinking that I could hide behind the 200 other attendants. I was 1 of 17 attendants. After starting to see white lights just 7 minutes into the workout, I said “screw this” and spent the remaining 53 minutes in the locker room, reading back issues of Allure.
  8. Despite being 134 lbs, I love to eat. I get severely hangry should my planned feeding times not go as scheduled.

Questions for the Nominees:

  1. You are allowed 1 item on a deserted island. It must cost less than $5. What do you choose?
  2. Can you tell me a joke?
  3. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met?
  4. Wine? Beer?  or Whiskey? You are allowed to say all 3.
  5. For the women: Donald Trump, Wolfe Blitzer, Wayne Newton. For the men: Star Jones, Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton. You have to screw one, marry one and kill one. Go!

Here are my nominations:

No Love For Fatties

The Shameful Sheep

Postcards From Kerry

Hipster Stories

A Thomas Point Of View

Kids Crumbs and Crackers

What Sandra Thinks

Duh America

 

Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Commercial Cliches

This could be totally off but I have to laugh sometimes at the following commercial cliches. Have you noticed any of these too?

  1. The mother is ALWAYS wearing khakis, usually with a denim button down shirt to clean the house or grocery shop. I give you all permission to kill me, should I wear this ensemble.
  2. Corporate has this notion that the “average man” has a full on beard and wears a plaid shirt untucked. This was WAY before the whole hipster beard thing.
  3. Carl’s Jr.– Hey, guess what? Women like to eat cheeseburgers too. I’d like to thank you for alienating every woman in the U.S. with your slutly swimsuit model blowing your cheeseburger. Tell you what? Get Scott Eastwood eating a cheeseburger while dusting and maybe I’ll consider eating at your establishment again.
  4. Lincoln commercial– My next car would be a Lincoln if they would just come out and say “You know what? We screwed up. We shouldn’t of let this hot mess of Matthew McConahaughey go on for as long as it has. Aside from being the most uncomfortable commercials to air, with the exception of Cialis commercials, we should have put a stop to this a long time ago.”
  5. Liz Taylor– Like the Christmas Story, it wouldn’t be Christmas without the commercial of Liz Taylor taking off her earrings, throwing them on the card table and exclaiming, “these have always brought me luck”. The funny thing is that when the commercial was made, I think she was like 102 so they overexposed the photo thus hiding all imperfections.
  6. Viagra– I’ll be real here and admit I really don’t know what I’m expecting the Marketing team of Viagra to offer in the way of commercials. All I know is the commercial elicits a continuing eye roll for at least 20 seconds when watching the couples, who often times probably wouldn’t even need viagra get themselves in the silliest situations. Suddenly the situations make them want to have sex.
  7. Oh my God, if I see 1 more incontinence commercial where women are dancing like no one is watching, I am going to loose my shit. Go ahead, look at the commercial here: Always Discreet so you too can throw up in your mouth. When I see these women dancing, I get the same feeling I get when I saw my mom dancing as a child. I want to scream “Oh my God, just stop. Stop dancing now.”

What did I miss? I know there are a billion other commercials I had to have missed. Let me know!

Ridiculousness

Don’t Feed the Animals (sons)!

To my surprise and delight, my sons actually knew how to catch marshmallows in their mouths. The oldest was too cool to catch marshmallows in his mouth for the camera but not the youngest. I especially lost the oldest when I requested they acted like seals and start clapping their hands together like idiots. The attached image is of C catching a flying marshmallow in his mouth. My oldest took the pic.

don't feel the animals!

Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

House Hunter Cliches/Observations

So here I am like any other woman in America: watched everything there is to watch on any given day. What else is there to watch? House Hunters or House Hunters International.

House Hunters is like watching COPS or like that trusty pair of jeans- you know it’s always there and you always enjoy them. Despite this fact, there has been a certain amount of annoying people/phrases that see to ALWAYS grace an episode. And I would like to present them to you:

House Hunters Domestic: 

It’s not granite counter tops– this is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I don’t fucking care if it’s not granite. What the hell is granite anyway? I know it’s some durable, thick counter top but honest to God….get over it!

The master bedroom is a little small– hissing right now at this comment. First of all, where did this name come from? Is it seriously as racist as it seems to me? The Master bedroom? How about we just call it the biggest bedroom?

Where are you going to put your stuff?- the woman says to her husband when checking out the walk in closet. Oh stop Amy! You are sooo funny and witty coming up with that! As if the 50,000 oblivious women before you didn’t say that. So witty.

I could see us entertaining friends and family here– Oh my God just stop. Your not fucking Martha Stewart. This isn’t the 17th century where you are going to have a ball, and a long, gilded dinner table with butlers serving you. Just stop, seriously. Do you hear yourself?

The kitchen is the nucleus of the house– this one came on the list unexpectedly as I just heard a douche baugette say it.

Observations: 

They will choose the house over budget.

The budget is minimum $250,000.

House Hunters International:

Some of the homes presented were originally lived in by Socrates yet cost $1.5 million. After I pick my jaw up from the floor I listen intently as I hear these trainwrecks justify why they want to live in the side of a mountain in Tuscany that currently has no running water, no electricity and has been overrun by snakes.

When a young family is involved you can usually detect the hesitation in the wife: Normally it’s a family living in like Boise, Idaho or Indianpolis, In. and they have at least 3 children.

“Ha ha, yeah we are so happy about Mark’s promotion.” Eyes dart down then up. “We can’t wait to give the children a multi-cultural viewpoint…..in Kabul…..which is basically the ball sack of the world. So excited. Can’t wait to entertain all our friends and family.”

After the the million dollar hovel is decided upon, I love the 3 month “check up”-Dear God this part is hilarious to me. Because all remodeling supplies has had to be brought up by a donkey and a midget, things are going slower than expected. Next shot is of the couple living in the “kitchen” which consists of a table covered in oil cloth and a hot plate. But they are “so happy” because they are “close to town.”

I know I’m missing like a million cliches with this show so please add to this for all the ones I missed.

Ridiculousness

Horrible Day….Here is How it Went Down

I’m hesitant to even write this post given the day I’ve had and the hot messes I’ve encountered. Ever have one of those days? Don’t answer that, of course you have. They blow.

First of all, came into work with this little gem waiting for me:

hot mess email

In addition to copying God, the Pope and Barack Obama, she felt it reasonable to copy my boss. Considering this issue has been an issue for 7 months, I wasn’t in a hurry to fix it. I fixed it and let Hagatha know it was complete. It’s just people like this that drive me INSANE, copying everyone in lieu of just sending me another e-mail with “Hey, wanted to follow up on this…” What an ass hole.

The next issue was when my boss took a task assigned to me and gave it to a co-worker. This was after I had responded that I had been slammed with other priorities and while not a hard task, it was time consuming so admittingly I was putting it off. Regardless, I committed to completing it this afternoon. The boss promptly responded back by delegating it to the co-worker. 10 minutes later I hear her retelling the events to a co-worker just loud enough so I could hear, but quiet enough that if I said something, I would sound like the paranoid one. Her version of it was I didn’t do it because I found it too time consuming and complicated so now she was burden with the task.

I wanted to tell her that thanks to a recent f-up on her part, I was taking the time to fix a similar task. But I’m not an ass hole and not one to throw someone under the bus. I figure some people are their own worst enemy and eventually they will throw themselves under the bus.

My sons and I had a dental appointment at 6 PM this evening. I left for my 24 mile drive at 4:57 thinking this would allow enough time to get home, gather the boys and make the appointment. Because God and the universe forget how to drive when it rains, my GPS put me home, not even at the dentist, at 6:05.

I called the Dentist to see if it would be ok if we were 15 minutes late. The Receptionist had a voice similar to what I would imagine one of the Sweet Valley Twins would have. She put me on hold to see if the Dental Hygienist was ok with this development.

“Um, she said that would be fine but I wanted to make you aware that you have a substantial balance.” She responded.

“How much?”

“$514.18.”

“I’m sorry, did my sons purchase dentures when I wasn’t looking?”

“It’s just from little balances that insurance didn’t take care of. So when do you think you could pay it?”

Growing more annoyed, I said anything just to shut her up.

“How about half today then half in a month?”

“Ok, well that’s fine. You’ve been patients here for a few years so that is fine.”

‘Oh thank you Brittany, thank you SO MUCH for approving this payment arrangement. The Kardashians called and they would like their voice back.’

10 minutes later I realized we would be even later than 15 minutes so I called back to reschedule. I thought I got Sweet Valley Twin again but instead it was her sister and even more annoying. I alerted them that we would have to reschedule.

“I don’t know who you talked to but do you know you have a balance of $514.18 on your account?”

“Yes, the last person I spoke to alerted me of this.”

“We sent you letters, do you still live at blah, blah, blah?” She asked condescendingly.

“Yes, I’m sure you sent them, we suck.”

“Um, so like, when do you think you could pay this?”

At this point I was about to loose my shit with her. I took a deep breath and said, “I told the last girl that I would pay half of it at the next visit then the other half a month later.”

“Well you could just pay it now?” She challenged.

I was annoyed with her pushiness.

“I can’t, I’m driving.”

Clearly not picking up on my agitation, she responded in a snotty, almost sing song kind of way with, “well you could just pay it when you get home?”

I politely lost my shit.

“Look, I’ve had a really, really bad day. Tell you what? I promise you that within the next week I will call you to pay this stupid bill. Calling you back is the LAST thing I want to do.”

At last she got it.

To voice my frustrations, here is the text I sent my husband on my way home:

bad day textwp-1456360176519.png

So how was everyone else’s day? (Forced smile, trying not to explode) 🙂

 

 

Ridiculousness

Awful Day And I Cannot Wait to Post…

….about it. Checked out and ready to rant this evening. I hope everyone had a better day then my trainwreck. To add insult to injury, I am taking my children to the dentist which is ALWAYS a hot mess. 3 meltdowns are guaranteed, one being my own!

Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

I Don’t Want to Go to Your Stupid Party! K?

I have been invited to and attended the following home parties at some point over my 21 years of attending parties:

  • Tupperware
  • 39 Gifts
  • Longaberger
  • Mary Kay
  • Scensty
  • Pampered Chef
  • Pure Romance
  • Origami Owl

I don’t even want to know how much I’ve spent at these parties. What made me think of this topic was the following message I received via Facebook this afternoon:

Scentsy Party Invite

I was so frustrated, I didn’t even respond. What part of not interested was she not understanding? I am past the point of buying specialty candles anywhere other than Target or Kroger. This was no exception.

We have had little to no communication especially after she left our neighborhood. Now she is having a Scentsy party back in my neighborhood, at her ex husband’s house? Something smells fishy. See what I did there? With the scented candles and smells fish…..well I thought it was clever, damn it!

 

The worst part about attending these parties is towards the end when the consultant announces,

“Ok, who wants to host another party so your friend will get not only the free magnet but all debts will be paid off and her children sent to college?”

Suddenly this is the point during the party where everyone seems to be whistling, looking off into the distance, not making eye contact with the consultant or the party host. One guest has jumped up to get more spinach and artichoke dip while another is taking their sweet time in the bathroom. Someone always bites the bullet though and agrees to host another party, thus continuing the vicious cycle.

For shits and giggles I thought I would respond back this evening to another “consultant” that has been sending me Facebook messages for over a month. I’ve made a point to ignore them. She is a Pure Romance consultant I’ve bought a lot from and she clearly wants me to buy more. By the time I finish this article, we will see if she has responded back.

Mary Kay PropositionI received this Facebook message about becoming a Mary Kay consultant almost a month ago. I was in awe of how stupid this was. First of all, this girl that I forget from high school (I think we went to the same high school??) lives 3 states away. What did she think was going to happen? That she was building her national empire of Mary Kay Consultants, 1 Facebook message at a time? I can’t imagine 1 person responding with “COUNT ME IN! Let’s do this!”

Full disclosure, 9 years ago I joined the cult of Mary Kay for a few months. I was making peanuts at work, my son was a baby and I thought, why not. That is for another post though-my experience at Mary Kay.

 

 

 

The one party I did enjoy going to was a Tupperware party. You have to hear me out on this, ok? My sister invited me to it. Unlike most Tupperware parties occurring at someone’s house, this was to be held in a swanky part of downtown. I was intrigued.

“She’s the #1 Tupperware consultant.” My sister gushed.

“Great,” I said with about as much enthusiasm as Jeb Bush’s enthusiasm in running for President.

“And she’s a drag queen,” she added.

I spit out my latte.

“Come again?” I asked.

“Yeah, that’s her thing. She is completely entertaining and it sounds hilarious. We should totally go.”

All she had to do was put Drag Queen into anything and I’m game.

Tupperware day came and we filed into a smallish room located on the second floor of a business. With about 50 chairs, it was tight, not swanky and not what I expected. All was forgiven once Dee walked in.

Dee was everything I could have asked for and then some. She wore a Texas size blonde wig, daisy dukes, a gingham shirt knotted in the middle with what was probably balled up socks making her boobs. Her act was that she was white trash, from the South and loved to cook (I think that was her thing). Dee had no problem dropping F bombs and using 4 letter words to describe burping the tupperware. Below is a picture we took with Dee. It’s my BFF on the left, me, my sister then Dee. Just kidding. It’s my BFF, me, Dee then my sister:

hot mess tupperware party
BEST TUPPERWARE PARTY EVER!

So how about you? Are you asked all the time to join the cult or go to parties? It drives me insane!

 

 

 

Family · Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

It’s OK to Admit Motherhood Sucks Sometimes!

Last night I received the following text from best friend.

Best Friends email

On occasion I get random texts such as these from her and its code for my children are driving me crazy. E is my best friend for over 25 years. We met in middle school and couldn’t be more different. I was into fashion and while she was still rockin’ what I like to refer to as the Buster Brown Hair for the past few decades, our humor has easily kept us together as best friends.

As E and I became mothers, I appreciated that she wasn’t a fake mother. Her actions weren’t, and still not contrived. What I mean is you know that mother who has approximately 75 Pinterest Boards all dedicated to things like playful kids snacks or activities to do instead of playing outside or soccer mom craft ideas? That mother!

There is nothing worse then going to a kid’s birthday party and the kid finding out the “swag bag” that they are used to getting has now been replaced by an adorable pinterest craft that oddly resembles a stick figure. Said stick figure is made out of string cheese, grapes, a mini pringle cup and pretzels. My kids look up at me with a ‘what the fuck?’ look. I give them a knowing nod, subliminally telling them, ‘I know.’ Sadly that example came easy because that is exactly what they received in lieu of candy and party favors a few months ago.

“Oh how adorable,” I cooed to the mom, meanwhile thinking in my head ‘really ass hole? Really? Fruit?’

In addition to my best friend being honest when it comes to being a mom, I love that she is feels comfortable sending me texts like the above. I, in turn, send very similar texts:

“I’m in fetal position right now, sucking my thumb and rocking back and forth.”

or

“I am an empty shell. I am hiding in the bathroom right now.”

All I’m saying is no one should EVER fault a mom for saying motherhood is tough, or complaining or drinking an entire bottle of wine after a tough day, no one. Additionally, no mother should feel like they have to do some stupid craft to keep up with the delusional mother who feels this is the only way to show love towards your kid.

If I had to pick a slogan for motherhood, it would be the Peace Corp slogan: The Toughest Job You’ll Ever Love.

Family · Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Cooking To Me Is Like Cleaning the Toilet-Part 2

Can we just take a moment and discuss how ungrateful family members can be when it comes to what you’ve cooked for them? Here was the first part to my two part declaration of how I hate to cook in case you want to read it: Cooking to me is like cleaning the toilet.

Below is a list of items that have been pissed on by at least 1 or more family members at some point. Not because they weren’t cooked properly but because the below did not resemble a chicken nugget.

  • Mashed potatoes
  • Macaroni and Cheese (oh sorry, let me be clear: non-Kraft Macaroni and Cheese)
  • Filet Mignon
  • Chicken Parmesan (this is ironic to me as it is a gigantic chicken nugget on top of spaghetti)
  • Tacos
  • Spaghetti (this has been removed though now everyone likes spaghetti)
  • Bacon (like spaghetti, now everyone likes spaghetti)

 

In addition to hating to cook and my children having the discerning palate of a hobo, my husband grew up with a mother that not only loved to cook but would use sour cream, cream cheese or both as the basis for all recipes. In turn, telling my husband we are having grilled chicken and vegetables is like telling Rob Kardashian we are having grilled chicken with grilled vegetables. I’d imagine the reaction to be equal disappointment.

My mother in law has learned the hard way that I do not like to cook. Over the years, she has asked that I bring one of the following to family events:

  • Orange Juice
  • Sister Schubert Frozen Rolls
  • Brick of cream cheese
  • Tub of sour cream
  • Wine
  • Fruit

Obviously I can’t screw this up though I have brought the “wrong” Sister Schubert Rolls and have paid for it with comments throughout the day.

So how about you? Do you like to cook? Do you hate it? If you like it, what is it that you like about it?