I’m currently in the middle of a mild panic attack right now sitting in my car, awaiting my doctors appointment. I have 18 minutes to come up with excuses as to why she does not need to give me my annual. In actuality, my annual has turned into more like my decade. I have dodged it since 2008 with missed appointments and bogus excuses. Not saying it’s right but I’m scared to death and I don’t want to do this.
During my last visit, she looked at me very seriously and said “You know, we really need to have one of those exams again”.
“Naw, I’m good. But thanks for thinking of me,” was my response. She looked at me like come on here…. we need to do this.
So begrudgingly, I scheduled this appointment and I have kept this appointment and here I am now, just 13 minutes before absolutely dreading it.
In the few times I have not been able to get out of these appointments, I always request the duckbills that are used on nuns or children. That request is usually followed up by the following question
“Were you molested as a child?”
“No, I just appreciate the feeling of a metal shoe stretcher being inserted then being cranked open like a deck awning.”
“I know, I know.” She responds.
I get that no one is waking up in the world thinking a good ole’ fashion pap smear is what they’re in the mood for but come on. There has to be an easier way…like an xray or something.
So of all days I am called back on time. I’m currently in the room sporting the latest in paper chic. The nurse is the same as usual and lead me back with the same gusto a Secretary leading a candidate back for an interview.
“I tried to think of every excuse in the book to get out of this.” I said a I followed behind.
I hop up on the table.
“I’m going to need the little duck bills. You know, for nuns and children.”
Now she had a deer in the head lights look. When she regained control of the situation, she said “I don’t think we have those here and besides, those are metal. And with the metal ones, you risk getting pinched…”
I threw up my hand conveying we were done with this topic, she however went on.
“I know from first hand….”
“Yeah, plastic. Plastic is fine,” I said, as I willed her to stop talking.
After getting all my vitals she stated the doctor is in another room and I’m next.
“You know what? She can take all the time in the world. She can even skip over my room if she wants.” I could tell by her annoyed look, she was not pleased with this declaration.
So I’m just waiting, praying someone pulls the fire alarm or better yet, pap smears are outlawed.