Yeah, I’ll get to that part in a minute. Shall we recap why I am convinced my car drove over an ancient Indian burial ground sometime in February?
Tuesday: Paid $463 to Tire Discounters because I virtually had no breaks left.
Thursday: Returned to Tire Discounters with the knocking noise I told them about back on Tuesday. Another $64 gone.
Friday: Lock my keys in my car. Call AAA only to discover my husband had not renewed it. $88 dropped.
Saturday: I get in my car, buckle in, look in my rear view mirror only to see a mouse crawling into the seat belt hole. This left me completely paranoid, even when I saw the mouse jump out.
This evening: Get pulled over. Officer Dwight Schrute fines me for expired plates. I have not made the time to get them but Jesus, a warning would have been nice. $125 fine.
So here is how my evening started out…..
My friend and neighbor is a stylist. She does my hair and my sons. P had an appointment for 7 pm and C came along for the ride solely for the toilet. If I were in his shoes, I too would have come along for the toilet.
So what’s up with the toilet Hot Mess?
This is like no other toilet you’ve seen. This toilet has a seat warmer and is a bidet. Now, I have no idea how to work a bidet. I’ve stayed in hotels with a bidet but I didn’t want to run the risk of squirting myself in the eyes so I just opted for the traditional pee and flush.
Because I can be shameless on occasion, I took the following pictures of the toilet:
After using the uber toilet I hit the side of my head REALLY hard on the corner of some sort of stupid cabinet that was awkwardly placed directly in front of uber toilet.
When I came back out, my other son was livin’ it up as my friend massaged shampoo into his head. It’s becoming a tradition for her to have to lecture him on taking extra time to get ALL the shampoo out as he takes a 30 second shower thinking he got everything clean. He literally had a tweener version of cradle cap.
Earlier that morning, I had bribed the boys with shamrock shakes on the way back home if they promised not to get us kicked out of the spa. I thought about picking them up before, but then had visions of them spilling green shake all over the salon and thought better about it. After C knocked down an entire display of hair gels in the lobby, I knew I had made the right decision.
After the salon we went through the drive thru and grabbed the sweet little nugget known as a shamrock shake. Once back on the road, I noticed a cop car in the other lane. As long as he stayed on that side, I felt he would not notice my expired tags.
Just then he glided into my lane, behind me. Because irony is a Comedian and given the laundry list above, I knew what would be happening so I prepared my sons.
“Now boys, there is a cop behind me. More than likely he is going to pull me over….” I was cut short by the sudden flashing of lights.
“Damn it! Where do I go? Crap! Where do I pull over?” I had this vision of him thinking of me as O.J., running because I wasn’t pulling over fast enough.
I pulled into the Starbucks parking lot.
‘Keep your hands on the wheel,’ I told myself. I had seen one too many COPS shows to know my hands need to be where he can see them at all times. I didn’t need him to think I was pulling a gun out of my Louis.
A prepubescent cop comes to my window and shines a super awesome flashlight in my face. Really? Is this really necessary? I am clearly lit by the soft glow of Smoothie King and Party City lights nearby.
“Ma’am, I am Officer Ass Hole of the We Have Nothing Better to Do police station. Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Yeah, my tags are expired. I’ve had like no time.”
“Is this car registered to you?”
“Yeah, I think. My husband’s name may also be on it.”
“And that is?”
What was this? It was 8 PM and I was not down with a Q and A session.
“I ran your plates and it shows your husband’s license to be suspended.”
“WHAT?” I was becoming livid now. Suddenly in my worse case scenario mentality I saw him needing to take someone to jail for this and that someone was going to be me.
“Can I please see your license and proof of insurance?”
“Yeah, sure.” I began to fumble in my wallet for both. What I produced was my license….and an insurance card for the year 2013.
“Hmm, seems I don’t have my most current card on me. I’ll keep looking though.”
At this point, my oldest thought this was the right time to start singing the theme song of COPS…
“Bad boys, bad boys, watcha’ gonna do, watcha’ gonna do when they come for you!”
The youngest thought he would add his own spin on the situation by making up the following lyrics and belting them out between giggles:
“Bad girls, bad girls, watcha’ gonna do? Watcha’ gonna do when they come for you?”
I was willing them to shut up.
Officer ass hole gave me some time to look for a new insurance card while he did whatever coppy thing he needed to do in his car. For flair, he still had his lights going full speed and by now we had attracted a few onlookers.
Once on the phone with Progressive they were totally cool and said “yeah, we can just tell the cop you have insurance.” Easy peazy.
Officer ass hole walked back over with a metal clip board and a stack of tickets. Since I knew I was already getting a ticket, I decided to have at it and tell him about my week.
“Can I tell you something?”
“I knew this would happen. How? I spent $463 on Tuesday, $64 on Thursday on a tire, Friday I locked my keys in my car and Saturday, now get this…you won’t even believe this. I have a doctors appointment Saturday, get in my car, look in my rear view mirror and find a mouse crawling up the seat! I’m telling you this because it’s only fitting that we round out this entire car train wreck with a ticket from you.”
No emotion whatsoever from him from my sob story.
As we drive away I begin to laugh maniacally.
“Um, what’s so funny?” My oldest asked.
“I just knew this would happen. Like literally, it was in the cards. It’s so funny at this point. All I can do it laugh.”
Suddenly I gather myself and look at my sons in the rear view mirror.
“Boys, we can learn from this. What is it?”
“Um, don’t wait till the last minute to do things?”
“Yes, but how to stay completely calm when you have a complete Dwight Schrute that your dealing with.”
“Who’s Dwight Schrute?”