Ridiculousness · Work

Hot Mess Learns about Semen Tanks and Heifers

So as some of you may or may not have seen, I put a challenge on my blog yesterday to guess what this was:

hot mess visits the beef expo

I learned yesterday that this is a semen tank. Yes, semen tank. Try to push the vomit back down your throat, I’ll wait. These tanks were all over the place and ranged in size.

So last year I took a job at a globally recognized Western company. You can find an excerpt of this here at The Shameful Sheep. Me working there makes about as much sense as the Noble Peace Prize ceremony being moved to North Korea.

So yesterday my boss wanted me to see what the Beef Expo is like since our company sponsored it. I kinda’ knew what I was in for but I was clearly ignorant.

The first thing I noticed was the delicious smell of burgers when I opened up my door at Beef Expo. Despite having eaten already, I inhaled this delicious smell then stopped when I thought, ‘Aren’t the cows gagging, smelling their brothers and sisters on the grill? Couldn’t we have opted for chicken, just this once?

“Oh my God, they took Elsa!” I could see a cow exclaiming as her BFF  is seen going into a food truck back door.

We walked into the building hosting the event and walked past a “queen.” Unfortunately it wasn’t a drag queen but a slopy, overweight teenager with a crown. Was this the Beef Queen?

Apparently we were there to shop too because my boss decide to weave in and out of the little shops set up. The shops offered clothing and home decorative goods that said things like I LOVE MY COW and THERES NOTHING LIKE SHOWING. I found these shops about as interesting as the lumber aisle of Lowes.

There is just 1 other co-worker that is just like me in knowing 0 about horses, cows, farms, etc. She innocently asked,

“What are these tanks I see everyone walking around with?” She pointed her finger at a few attendees dragging what looked to be gas tanks on wheels behind them.

“Semen tanks,” my boss answered like she was telling her the date.

‘Come again?’ I thought.

I could feel nausea growing in my stomach. These people were rolling the semen tanks around as if they were rolling their carry on through the terminal. Could we have found a more viable option, like keeping that shit to yourself and not bringing it out in public?

semen tank at beef expo for hotmessmemoir.com
Another semen tank.

Still in shock, I had to know the logistics here without completely alienating myself. I had to choose my words carefully. I leaned over quietly to my co-worker.

“So these semen tanks, they just walk around and plug them into a hef….girl cow?” I had officially shown not only my ignorance but forgot if a heifer was just a girl cow or if there are boy heifers too. Or maybe there are cows out there confused with their identity and were born a boy cow but became a heifer? I don’t know.

As we entered another cow-centric pop up shop there was a man wheeling the average size tank. I whipped out my phone and took the picture you see above.

After about 30 minutes of browsing, well let’s be real here, me standing outside each shop with my jaw on the ground, taking in this completely different culture, we walked back outside. I thought we were going to the car.

Nope, this was just the beginning. Across from the building we came out of, there was a gigantic barn. From the sounds, there was a cow party happening. I looked over to see a couple holding a cow by a harness thingy. The cow was chewing slowly, drooling and seemed to be staring right at me like, “welcome to my world bitch.”

In lieu of making a hard left for the parking lot, our path veered towards the barn.

“You guys wanna’ go visit Sarah?” A co-worker asked.

‘No, not really.’ I thought.

Unfortunately, I was voted down and we would be heading into the barn.

Fortunately I was not given a heads up about this field trip we took so I chose to wore little fringed, untreated suede booties that I bought for $100. The $100 was at cost if that tells you anything about the shoes I would be ruining momentarily.

our walkway at the cow farm
At least they cleaned for us.

As we crossed over the threshold, the walkway was not concrete or grass or paved in gold. No. The walkway, was covered in what looked to be mulch and feces. An old cowboy crossed my path holding a heavy pitchfork of what I could only assume was shit. I found about a 3”, semi clear path on each side of the shit trail and opted to walk there like I was on a balance beam.

‘If a cow lifts up it’s hind leg and pisses on my Louis Vuitton, I am going to lose my shit,’ was my first thought. If cows were capable of producing enough semen to fill a gas tank, who knows how projectile their piss could be.

 

 

We went up a cow aisle and found Sarah in front of a black cow. Her friend had some sort of comb and was combing the cow’s ass.

hot mess hefer
For the heifer’s protection, her identity has been hidden.

Across from Sarah’s steak were 3 other HUGE black cows. I mean, they had to either be pregnant or fat in cow world.

“How old are those cows?” I asked jetting my chin out, attempting to fit in.

“Bout 10 months,” Sarah’s friend answered.

“Their date of birth is above,” my co-worker said as she pointed to a white sign, 7’ above in a “duh” kind of tone. Oh I’m sorry, my childhood wasn’t spent milking cows, sorry for my ignorance I share with the other 97% of Americans.

Just then I hear a hose begin to gush water. I turn my head back to Sarah’s cow and notice it’s not a hose but the cow next door has taken the liberty to piss a cow made lake. ‘Your gonna’ have to sleep in that,’ is what I wanted to tell the cow. I’ve never seen a cow dick before but this must have been it because there was a long, hairy hose hanging from the cow, with a pink rim; like those disgusting monkey asses.

By now my co-workers were petting Sarahs cow’s behind. I wondered if cows were like donkeys or horses and kick people behind them? I had visions of taking my co-workers to the ER with hoof marks on their foreheads.

Surprisingly, I too had the sudden urge to pet the cow. The black fur looked so fuzzy. I deduced that this was the onset of insanity due to the situation. To be a fly on a cow’s ass and see the look that must have been on my face this entire time was probably priceless.

‘Must not pet cow…must not…..resist……ok petting cow now….hey cow soft. Ok, I’m done.’

So how was your Friday? Did you see any semen tanks? Did you walk through shit? Did you pet a cow?

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13 thoughts on “Hot Mess Learns about Semen Tanks and Heifers

      1. I think it would be horrible to open up one of those cans (AKA giant vats of bovine ball aqua vitae) … could you imagine the aroma? Beefy-gamey semen syrup … and plenty of it. I want to hurl right now.

        I will probably have nightmares now thanks to this post! And I may not be able to drink milk for a while either.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. LOL, In Columbia TN about 200,000 people come with their mules. It is mules, parades, mules, contests, mules, farmers, mules, food, mules, crafts, mules, wagons, mules, mud, mules, poop, mules, flies, mules and more mules. I’ve written columns on it, but none are on WordPress yet. Mules cannot reproduce, so there is no semen, thank God.

        Like

  1. My first job when I left school and before I went to college was a summer down on the farm and amongst other things I got to artificially inseminate pigs. I learned that the pig penis is corkscrew shaped and in order to get the juice into piggy mummy you had to literally screw her with an orange rubber hose. It put me off pulled pork for life 😉

    Like

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