Family · Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

The Homewrecker that is Monopoly

If you want a game that tears families apart, play Monopoly. It will make siblings not talk to each other for days and children angry at their parents. Go on, I dare you.

Let me first say, I LOVE Monopoly. I have been playing it since I was probably 12. In addition to my Father owning a restaurant, he was also Real Estate Agent. This made him an automatic lover of Monopoly. Because he worked 70 hours a week, we would really only play it once a year- during our mini vacation to Port Clinton, Ohio. On the 1 night we were guaranteed it would rain, my dad would spread the board out as I fought with my sisters on which piece we would be. I always wanted to be the car. Who wanted to be the stupid candlestick? The candlestick is so stupid. This isn’t CLUE here peoples.

2.5 hours after the game began, I was cashing in every property and white, 1 dollar bill I had to pay my Father the Boardwalk rent I owed. I had clearly copped an attitude and was a little bitch for the remainder of the night.

Fast forward 25 years and I began to play with my oldest. A few years later I taught my youngest. Both caught on easily yet every single time we played ended in a meltdown. I even have the oldest on video crying and screaming.

“But I never LOST! You don’t know what it feels like!” It’s the funniest thing.

Today I had a plan that was fail proof and resulted in more time with my sons and bonding between brothers.

“Boys, I have a proposition for you.” I announced as they slayed another pirate in Assassin’s Creed.

“At 3 I want to play you both as a team. If you guys win, I will buy you Shamrock Shakes. If you loose, you have to clean the junk drawer.”

Both of them were on board in minutes and I thought I had finally found a plan where it wouldn’t result in sending one or both to their rooms.

At first both of them were on fire. They both rolled one dice each and always seemed to get doubles. They were buying up properties left and right. They were making bogus deals with me that I was gun ho about, just so I could loose and they could win.

Then shit hit the fan. For once, things went my way by every stupid roll of the dice. Actually irony kicked in and I guess things didn’t go my way, which was to loose. Every f’ing turn I would skip their 3 properties laden with houses. I would always land on free parking and collect the dough.

In turn, the boys had the opposite luck. They landed on the “income tax” 3 times in a row where you have to pay 10% of their money or $200. They went to jail twice. They landed on my railroads twice in a row then landed on my property where they were to pay me $200 but I lied and said only $100. When I said “don’t worry about paying me,” P became the martyr and wouldn’t hear of it. C began to cry at every roll. They took turns earlier reading the chance and community chest cards. Now they were fighting over who’s turn it was.

I tried to explain to them that what they thought was a bad situation wasn’t bad at all. Despite me having $700, they had 4 houses per property which equated to a combined total of $600. Did I do the math right?

“Can we just quit now and clean the junk drawer?” C asked.

“No! I want you to keep playing!” I was determined to loose more than ever.

“What? You want us to keep playing so you can watch us loose more?” P asked in a snotty tone.

“Oh my God, no. I’m just saying things aren’t as bad as you think they are.”

Then of course they land on one of my properties that has a house and I miss their houses again.

“I’M DONE!” P announces in anger.

C walks over and begins to clean out the junk drawer.

“Don’t you dare clean out that junk drawer!” I said firmly. “This wasn’t how it was supposed to work! I was gonna’ get you guys shamrock shakes regardless!”

Meanwhile my husband is muttering under his breath, “I don’t even know why you try this game with them. It’s always a disaster.”

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I was so frustrated. I just went up to our bathroom and cried.

After I composed myself, I came back downstairs, got my jacket on and announced I was getting shamrock shakes. I think my boys felt bad by now because P said,

“You don’t have to get them if you don’t want to.”

“No, I’ll get them. Just know, I think we are going to wait a few more years till we play Monopoly again. It’s not worth the meltdowns.”

Surprisingly, neither protested. Ok, so lay it on me…..tell me how much you HATE Monopoly and how long it takes. I can take it, I’m a big girl….but if you ever want to play……

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “The Homewrecker that is Monopoly

  1. I love love love love LOVE monopoly! I even have Cat in the hat-opoly. Which is just as fun but with Dr. Seuss awesomeness. My friend has the avenger’s monopoly which might be better for your boys – it honestly takes an hour for 4 people to play, shorter if you have more players. It goes by easily and with less frustration and tears 😉 but then it’s not as fun! I’m a horrible person, don’t tell anyone!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve played so many games of Monopoly … and when I played my friends growing up — we were ages 11-13, I ALWAYS won, so they never wanted to play Monopoly. One time one of my friend got so angry she flipped up the board and everything went everywhere. I had to clean it up because it was my game at my house. 😦

    I couldn’t find the candlestick when I went online to look at the pieces … did you mean the cannon, maybe? I liked being the iron or the thimble.

    Like

  3. Hilarious! I totally played this game with my two older sisters as a kid. My bossiest sister was ALWAYS THE BANKER (in charge of my dollahhhh’s) and the game would go on for hours, but not before someone lost their cool (banker sister) and she would sweep both her hands across the board, resulting in a ruined game. A rite of passage that game!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s