Family · Holiday · parenting · Ridiculousness · soccer

Mothers are Mutha’ F***** Amazing- Happy Mother’s Day!

Ladies, you’re amazing and people don’t tell you that enough! The stuff we have to do EVERY SINGLE DAY is crazy! via Mothers are Mutha’ F***** Amazing- Happy Mother’s Day! – Hot Mess Memoir

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Family · Holiday · parenting · Ridiculousness · soccer

A Letter to the Soccer Organization that Schedules S*** on Mother’s Day

There are 2 days a year I can sleep in without guilt: Mother’s day and my birthday. When you screw with that, we’re going to have problems via A Letter to the Soccer Organization that Schedules S*** on Mother’s Day – Hot Mess Memoir

Family · Holiday · parenting · Ridiculousness

Mother’s Day Gift Ideas for Crappy Moms

Read all the traditional gift guides on what to give mom? How about those mom’s that are less than stellar? Click on my link to check out Mother’s day gifts for crappy moms via Mother’s Day Gift Ideas for Crappy Moms – Hot Mess Memoir

Family · Holiday · Ridiculousness

Amazing Mother’s Day Gifts- A Hot Mess Gift Giving Guide

Looking for Mother’s Day gift ideas? I’ve put together my favorites for your consideration! via Amazing Mother’s Day Gifts- A Hot Mess Gift Giving Guide – Hot Mess Memoir

Holiday

Free Adult Valentine Cards to Exchange

So you guys, I thought it would be funny to create adult Valentine Cards. No, no, no…get your head out of the gutter! Not “adult” that way, but funny, grown-up ones. Click on the link to my self-hosted blog to check them out and to get a good laugh! Which one is your favorite? 🙂 via Free Adult Valentine Cards to Exchange – Hot Mess Memoir

Holiday · Ridiculousness

Hot Mess Memoir – A humorous, honest, hot mess approach to life!

Come on over to today’s blog post to read about 9 of what I consider the worst gifts to give on Valentines Day. Gentlemen, don’t be giving any of these unless she specifically asked for them! 😉 via Hot Mess Memoir – A humorous, honest, hot mess approach to life!

Holiday · Pop Culture · Super Hot Mess · Uncategorized

Elf on the the Shelf-Day 1

What my son sees upon waking: 


A delightful little elf named Zipper just wanting to play video games. In fact, he even has his own special soccer uniform, because I am that good. 


Adult version of Elf on the Shelf: Zipper has hit rock bottom. He can no longer afford the prescription drugs on his TSA salary that he buys from college students (ritalin, adderall, xanex). He looked over to see his keyboard cleaner and had amazing  idea- high on ritalin. 2 hours later, he can’t feel his own face. 

Family · Holiday · Ridiculousness

How I Will Be Tricking My Sons on April Fools: BAG LADY

I have begun my plans for April Fools 2016. Every year I trick my boys….majorly. It’s gotten so bad that last year I found a purple post it note on my sons shelf that said “April Fools Day-don’t be fooled”. Last years trick involved barbies, Teen Beat magazine and the frozen song. I’ll post that a little later this week. If you promise not to commit me, I will let you in on the first round of brainstorming.

Code name: BAG LADY

PLAN

I will hire a large, older lady from one of the many local theaters  for April Fools between the hours of 2am and 7pm. I have taken the necessary precautions and confirmed the holiday  is on a Friday and they are not off of school for some ridiculous reason.

PLOT

I will welcome the boys into the house like normal but ask them to sit down on the sofa because I need to tell them something. I will first walk them through what it means to be generous and how we can find ways to help others, you know, blah, blah, blah. I will then tell them the story of how I was going through the drive through at Wendy’s when I saw a Birkenstock clad foot peeping from behind the trash compactor wall. I was concerned for this person’s safety so I went over to check on them only to find Maude. Yes, I’ve decided to call her Maude. Don’t know why, it just came to me.

I want her to only wear moo-moos. For extra credit she will have those creepy glasses that turn from regular glasses to sunglasses outside. She needs to be loud, bossy and not grandmotherly at all. She will also have an obsession with cats.

I will continue telling the boys (this will be the fork in the road of either I lose my shit to a fit of laughter or continue with a well rehearsed poker face) that there were 3 kittens, all white, meowing around Maude. One was licking her face while the other was eating a chicken nugget that laid lifelessly in Maude’s hand. Maude was either asleep or dead and I needed to find out.

I will let them know that Maude was recently evicted from the YWCA because of smuggling in Macklemore, Eminem and Yelawolf, aka, da’ kittens. She has nowhere to go for a week. Her daughter is working fast to make enough in tips to afford a bus ticket to Myrtle Beach.

operation prank my sons for April Fools
Macklemore, Eminem and Yelawolf

“I know this is going to be somewhat cramped and you guys weren’t expecting this but I have offered Maude a roof over her head for 1 week. We have that air mattress and she will share a room with you guys. I figure we’ll put all of her things in one of your rooms and she can sleep in the other. I hear CPAP machines are pretty loud so whoever is her roommate, I will give you a set of earplugs. Maude is using your bathroom right now to take a bath but should be down any minute.”

This will be the que for Maude to make her grand entrance. It is imperative that she has one of her moo-moos on, creepy glasses and waddles (not walks) over. I need to find a way to photograph the look of disdain and fright on the boys’ faces when they meet Maude for the first time. They will be on guard since it is April Fools Day and wonder if this is yet another prank. Surely mom isn’t crazy enough to hire a very realistic actress to prank us. Because I’ve taught my children polite behavior, they will know better than to question Maude’s unfortunate circumstances or my act of good will.

At first I want Maude to be the sweet, polite guest allowing the boys to become comfortable with her. Once they are, then I want Maude to start barking orders and playing the “respect your elders” card at the same time. Various requests I would love for Maude to demand:

“Can you rub my foot? I have circulation issues.”

“Can you go upstairs and get my fanny pack?”

“Will you help me find my golden buckeye card? It should be in my purse.” Her purse will be a prop that is loaded with cookie crumbs, m & m’s, her pocketbook, a laminated A Cat Owners Prayer card and a back issue of Cat Fancy.

P and C’s rooms will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I have decided the air mattress will be set up in C’s room. The mattress will be neatly made, complete with one of those bedspreads from the 1940’s and topped with embroidered cat pillows. Maude will have already put out tomorrow’s change of clothing which will be moo-moo #2, skin colored, massive old lady underwear and a cross your heart double Z bra.

In P’s room we will stow the luggage and all the cat things. Perhaps I need to check on E-bay for paraphernalia. Maybe I can borrow a cat tree from a neighbor and put that in his room. Again, live cats are still on the bargaining table.

I will need to acquire an immense amount of cat paraphernalia over the next 2 months. The first thing that came to me were cat pillows for some reason. I will buy the following products and stock in the boy’s bathroom:  Hemmorhoid Suppositories, TENA Serenity Overnight Pads, past copies of AARP and Gold Bond.

When not wearing her signature moo-moo, I will have a Hanes sweatshirt with the most obnoxious cat image one has ever seen. I will pair this monstrosity with turquoise, elastic waist sweatpants, 1 size too small.

We will sit down at 4 for a hearty meal of peas and spaghetti noodles.

“I told Maude that because she is our guest, she gets to decide what was for dinner for the next few nights. Tomorrow is liver and onions. Now I don’t know how to make liver and onions but Maude has promised to show me”, I’ll say as I smile at Maude and the boys look at me horrified.  I know it’s considered a talent to be able to cry on demand as an actor. I hope belching and farting on demand is an option too because I want Maude to do both during dinner.

After dinner, I think I’ll ask Maude to launch into a story that is not only unbearably long, but one that makes you feel extremely uncomfortable regarding the topic. I’m down with Maude adlibbing or I can create a story for her to memorize. I want it to be very Nutty Proffessor-esque when the family was sitting around the table discussing the topic of relations. I’m kind of going back and forth between an infected wart on her big toe or freezing her elder cat, C-Diddy.

I would now like to open the space up now for BAG LADY brainstorming, ideas and comments. 

Family · Holiday · Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Just One Last Elf on the Shelf Pic

image

Really no words are needed for this. My cousin sent this to me 5 minutes ago.

Family · Holiday · Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Drone Wars Part 1

I come down today from my 30 minute make believe nap to discover the boys attempting to rip into their new drones. My husband went up to take a cat nap of 3 hours so I knew I would be the drone queen for the afternoon.

P was already screwing something to something on his drone while C risked slitting his wrist while opening his box with a knife.

“Oh sweetie, let me do that.” I say lovingly as I grab the knife. I take each item out of the box anxiously looking for the directions since I know zilch about drones.

Of coarse P is the older son and has a 98 page manual written in English, Spanish and French detailing every possible scenario that could happen with the drone including when it falls into the hands of a zombie.

C being the youngest son has an adorable pamphlet that folds twice failing to label the sole diagram of the drone. After checking the box twice and the table laden with legos and candy, I came to the conclusion this drone was specifically created for a physic or a rocket scientist. The average Joe would need to return it to Best Buy for a Walkman.

I had read up on drones paying special attention to an article labeled “5 things you should know before you buy a drone.” Things I found particularly interesting is entry level drones fly for an average of 8 minutes but then require 60 minutes of charging. Yes, because that’s practical with children. Something else I learned is the first order of business is to learn just to hoover 4′ above the ground.

20 minutes later P was throwing on his coat to go in our backyard and test his new toy. I was curious so I stood at the backdoor and watched. P placed the drone on the patio table, looked over at me and mouthed while using his left hand a 5 second countdown.

I grinned encouragingly at him excited to see this new found technology. By now C had joined me. All of a sudden we heard 3 beeps through the glass and up went the drone about 20′ over the patio. Then like P’s hopes that the Beat box at Christmas was going to be a drone, it all came crashing down. Suddenly I see 4 parts slamming down then jetting onto the grass.

Completely shocked by this  development I scream “SHIT!” despite C standing next to me. I never curse in front of my children. I go running out to inspect the damage.

“Oh my God, what happened?”

“Ohhh, I forgot to screw in the blade guards. My bad.”

I didn’t have it in me to scold. I was working on a few hours of sleep due to the holidays and I just wanted to go inside. Fortunately nothing was broken. I took it upon myself to screw in the blade guards so this wouldn’t happen a second time.

C was up next. I trusted he had studied his pamphlet to guess what to do. Since he was only 7 I walked out with him to assist him and to ensure he didn’t hurt himself with a random blade or something.

“O.k baby, remember, hoover just 4′, o.k?” I asked.

“Yup!” He said excited.

He placed his drone on the grass and stepped back 2′.

“Baby, step back a few more feet. I don’t need that thing ripping off your face or something.” He smiled at this.

Like an Einstein, he beautifully elevated the drone just 2′. Hey, 4′ can wait, 2′ is good. But this was not an acceptable height for C.

All of a sudden the drone began to elevate now just as high as our shed. 12′ maybe? Then suddenly this devil machine shot up into orbit becoming smaller and smaller for the eye to see.

I went ballistic. “C! C! Stop it, not that high. Oh my God!!!!”

I could not believe how high these things could fly. I felt like I was in some futuristic movie or something. Then as fast as it shot up it came crashing down landing on it’s side up against our neighbor’s fence. The blades were still rotating and it almost looked like it was shaving off tiny pieces of the fence.

C went to grab it but like a rabid animal I pushed him out of the way and said “No! Don’t touch it.” I didn’t know if the blades could slice your fingers off and I wasn’t going to find out.

Like picking up a horseshoe crab, I took the remote from his hand and used the antenna to pick up the drone by carefully sliding it under one of the blade shields.

As we began to walk back to the house I asked C, “C, how big is 4′?”

He must of thought this whole event was funny because with a grin he quickly elevated his hand just above him.

“That’s right. So why did you send it to orbit?”

“It wouldn’t stop.” He responded. I rolled my eyes and let out a big exhale.

So today it’s pouring and will do so all day. You can’t get these things wet and the boys are dying to try again. I don’t know if I have the patience to watch this debacle again in action. God give me the strength for the Drone Wars.