Do you ever feel like co-workers find you boring/average but that’s because they just don’t know the real you? Let’s talk about it! via Professional Versus Unprofessional – Hot Mess Memoir
I’m hesitant to even write this post given the day I’ve had and the hot messes I’ve encountered. Ever have one of those days? Don’t answer that, of course you have. They blow.
First of all, came into work with this little gem waiting for me:
In addition to copying God, the Pope and Barack Obama, she felt it reasonable to copy my boss. Considering this issue has been an issue for 7 months, I wasn’t in a hurry to fix it. I fixed it and let Hagatha know it was complete. It’s just people like this that drive me INSANE, copying everyone in lieu of just sending me another e-mail with “Hey, wanted to follow up on this…” What an ass hole.
The next issue was when my boss took a task assigned to me and gave it to a co-worker. This was after I had responded that I had been slammed with other priorities and while not a hard task, it was time consuming so admittingly I was putting it off. Regardless, I committed to completing it this afternoon. The boss promptly responded back by delegating it to the co-worker. 10 minutes later I hear her retelling the events to a co-worker just loud enough so I could hear, but quiet enough that if I said something, I would sound like the paranoid one. Her version of it was I didn’t do it because I found it too time consuming and complicated so now she was burden with the task.
I wanted to tell her that thanks to a recent f-up on her part, I was taking the time to fix a similar task. But I’m not an ass hole and not one to throw someone under the bus. I figure some people are their own worst enemy and eventually they will throw themselves under the bus.
My sons and I had a dental appointment at 6 PM this evening. I left for my 24 mile drive at 4:57 thinking this would allow enough time to get home, gather the boys and make the appointment. Because God and the universe forget how to drive when it rains, my GPS put me home, not even at the dentist, at 6:05.
I called the Dentist to see if it would be ok if we were 15 minutes late. The Receptionist had a voice similar to what I would imagine one of the Sweet Valley Twins would have. She put me on hold to see if the Dental Hygienist was ok with this development.
“Um, she said that would be fine but I wanted to make you aware that you have a substantial balance.” She responded.
“I’m sorry, did my sons purchase dentures when I wasn’t looking?”
“It’s just from little balances that insurance didn’t take care of. So when do you think you could pay it?”
Growing more annoyed, I said anything just to shut her up.
“How about half today then half in a month?”
“Ok, well that’s fine. You’ve been patients here for a few years so that is fine.”
‘Oh thank you Brittany, thank you SO MUCH for approving this payment arrangement. The Kardashians called and they would like their voice back.’
10 minutes later I realized we would be even later than 15 minutes so I called back to reschedule. I thought I got Sweet Valley Twin again but instead it was her sister and even more annoying. I alerted them that we would have to reschedule.
“I don’t know who you talked to but do you know you have a balance of $514.18 on your account?”
“Yes, the last person I spoke to alerted me of this.”
“We sent you letters, do you still live at blah, blah, blah?” She asked condescendingly.
“Yes, I’m sure you sent them, we suck.”
“Um, so like, when do you think you could pay this?”
At this point I was about to loose my shit with her. I took a deep breath and said, “I told the last girl that I would pay half of it at the next visit then the other half a month later.”
“Well you could just pay it now?” She challenged.
I was annoyed with her pushiness.
“I can’t, I’m driving.”
Clearly not picking up on my agitation, she responded in a snotty, almost sing song kind of way with, “well you could just pay it when you get home?”
I politely lost my shit.
“Look, I’ve had a really, really bad day. Tell you what? I promise you that within the next week I will call you to pay this stupid bill. Calling you back is the LAST thing I want to do.”
At last she got it.
To voice my frustrations, here is the text I sent my husband on my way home:
So how was everyone else’s day? (Forced smile, trying not to explode) 🙂
Thank the baby Jesus this week is over and it’s the weekend. Not enough wine in the world to handle work in my opinion.
Below is my final installment of corporate phrases. Please check out Part 1:Corporate Phrases Your Tired of Hearing-Part 1 along with Part 2: Corporate Phrases Your Tired of Hearing- Part 2 at these links for a combined total of around 100 phrases to suck the last bit of life you have left from your cubicle. Please send me more phrases. There has to be new strains of this plague, somewhere we haven’t heard of.
So I’m finishing up an essay about one of my many “Mean Girls” co-workers. I hope to have it complete tonight; tomorrow at the latest. If I’m a hot mess…she’s well…ok, I don’t have anything, sorry…..I suck right now.
What a shitty day at work. I won’t go into why but I will be having wine later, lots of wine and intend to write and post about it. I’m at my wits end, I’ll tell you that much.
The minute dinner was over, I announced the following to my 2 sons,
“Boys! We will be doing 2 activities this evening to help mommy unwind. We will be coloring, then we will be hitting the punching bag in the basement. P, grab my gloves!”
“Why are we hitting the punching bag mommy?” C asked.
I bent down and in the most serious tone while looking at him like a crazy person stated, “because mommy is a disgruntled employee and we might even give that punching bag a name tonight.”
As we continue in part 2 of this 3 part series of corporate phrases, it was clear to me that after the response and likes, that horrible corporate phrases is an epidemic affecting the entire population
So chart #2 contains corporate terms that cover areas such as communication and how shit is organized.
My personal favorites?
Can you speak to _____. This is said when they are not asking you to get with a human but about a project. Why can’t they just say “Can you talk about the Houston Galleria project”. It’s as if a man named Thurston woke up one day and thought, ‘I will no longer speak like the peasants that work for me. From now on I will speak to a project, not talk about it’.
I don’t have the bandwidth. Bandwidth? You’re not a computer just because you wear a blue tooth.
Partner. This is used all the time yet bothers me the most and I don’t know why. This isn’t a hoedown. I won’t partner with you but I’ll work with you.
And lastly, I do want to call out an awesome phrase I have never heard of until today, posted by girlygeekgirl…….
Tool: I ask that you please appoint a delegate if your attendance is unlikely.
Translation: We both know some of y’all are too important for this meeting, but my boss made me invite you anyway, so send one of your lackeys, k?
I don’t understand how the English language became so fucked up in the work place. In my early twenties I marveled on how well-spoken these high power Executives were.
‘I wish I could talk like that’ was a frequent thought I kept to myself.
As the years went on, I continued to hear more and more phrases and it only became worse. Occasionally, I would be at a conference table and I would hear “put a lasso around that.”
Come again? I didn’t copy. What does that even mean? Are we at a rodeo? Put a lasso around what, your neck for saying what you just said?
Phrases began to spiral out of control. Executives from entry level to the CEO were strewing nonsensical phrases together then looking at their direct reports expecting complete adoration. Phrases began to manifest in daily communication such as job descriptions and employee reviews. To this day, if my husband or I let a phrase slip we are given carte blanche to make fun of the other person until it’s out of our system.
I’m breaking up my blog posts into a few posts over the next few days and this is the topic I want to talk about first as it is the most soul sucking. I’m sure many people use these phrases and don’t even realize it. If you do and regret it, there is hope. Like Pax Prentiss of Passages Rehab, “I too was once addicted to these phrases, but now I’m not.”
If you are new to corporate I have developed an easy to use chart for translation. I compiled over 100 phrases after talking with friends and family. Below is about 30. If you read these, promise me you won’t use them. Ok?
In the next post I will have another chart for you covering corporate terminology such as Teamwork, Communication and how shit is organized. So what have you heard? I want to hear that have made you do a double take. I have 70 more to go and I hope to add new, douchier ones with you help!