Ridiculousness · Work

Do Exclamation Points Matter in Emails?

I wrote this post after watching a parody of  someone not using exclamation points and how the email receiver took complete offense to it! Read via Do Exclamation Points Matter in Emails? – Hot Mess Memoir

Holiday

Free Adult Valentine Cards to Exchange

So you guys, I thought it would be funny to create adult Valentine Cards. No, no, no…get your head out of the gutter! Not “adult” that way, but funny, grown-up ones. Click on the link to my self-hosted blog to check them out and to get a good laugh! Which one is your favorite? 🙂 via Free Adult Valentine Cards to Exchange – Hot Mess Memoir

Holiday · Ridiculousness

Hot Mess Memoir – A humorous, honest, hot mess approach to life!

Come on over to today’s blog post to read about 9 of what I consider the worst gifts to give on Valentines Day. Gentlemen, don’t be giving any of these unless she specifically asked for them! 😉 via Hot Mess Memoir – A humorous, honest, hot mess approach to life!

Pop Culture · Ridiculousness

Just in Time for Valentine’s Day- Sexy Time Gone Incredibly Wrong

This is a very R rated post being that it’s Valentines Day. If you are offended easily, please do not read this. Seriously….this is like a funny 50 Shades posting. Sadly this happened about 4 years ago.

Soooo, in an effort to spice up our sexy time we added Pure Romance “tools”. I had acquired these having been invited to several Pure Romance parties. Have you ever been? HILARIOUS! It’s just food, wine and a bored housewife showing you the benefits of a pen that doubles as a vibrator (no joke this exists and can be purchased).

One night we decided to take our naughty time in the living room. It was a mutual understanding that anytime we brought toys downstairs, my husband would take all of them back upstairs and stash them in the armoire.

The next morning I was busily running around the kitchen making the lunches I should have made the night before.

“Look what I found,” I heard P announce beside me.

I did the typical glance up then back down when obviously the contents required a second glance. I began to feel lightheaded as I saw what my oldest was holding. In his hand was a 9″ pink butterfly vibrator. It had  5 speeds, a reverse and capable of different sections moving in different ways. You could launch a rocket with this thing and that is what it did for me, each and every time.

I held out my hand expecting him to hand it over immediately.

“Thank you P,” I said as cooley as one can when your child is holding a vibrator…nay….your pink vibrator.

“No!” He protested.” I want to massage your back.”

He must have turned it on and felt the vibration because he thought it was a back massager. We had a back massager in our linen closet but clearly not shaped like a candle stick.

Because I knew he would hand the vibrator over quicker if I obliged, I turned around slowly, bent down and closed my eyes in complete horror.

As he began to rub it in the middle of my back, all I could think was ‘This isn’t happening. God this isn’t happening. Kill me now Lord.’

How could my husband have let this happen? How does one overlook a gigantic, neon pink vibrator laying on a dark grey sofa?

After 3 seconds of the “back massage” I turned back around, scooped up the vibrator and blurted, “Ok, thank you for my back massage! Just gonna put this away now. ”

Every time I think back to that nightmare, I also remember the scene in Parenthood where the lights go out as Steve Martin announces he found a candle. The lights return on seconds later and he realizes it’s not a candle he is holding but his sister’s vibrator.

Happy Valentine’s Day All!

 

Family · Ridiculousness

Questions For My Husband Regarding Mealtime

Being that it’s Sunday many families gather around the table for just 1 special meal together. Growing up, it was an event since my father owned a restaurant and was a great cook. Often we were allowed to invite friends over for dinner. The invitees were always excited for the prospect of sampling my father’s food and probably more so because he allowed a Jr. Miss glass of wine with it.

I get home after my husband so he starts dinner. Below are 3 images and the questions I would like to ask to understand his thought process and why he did it:

CAN IN THE SINK

can in the sink....nice

I’m sorry but are we reusing the coke can as a container for future beverages?

Is this something ironic? Like a hipster thing?

Is this like when people bought mason jars to drink wine out of to feel rustic?

SETTING OF THE TABLE

Look, I’m not looking for Downton Abbey where they’re measuring spoon 1, fork 1, fork 2, fork 3, knife and spoon 2 perfectly against the edge of the table but I would expect something more than this:

setting of the table

Who is the lucky one that gets to use the 1 napkin….excuse me….paper towel?

Were you drunk when you attempted to set the forks next to the plates?

Piggy backing on question 1, who gets to use the 1 knife you set in the middle of the table? Is there a reason you are hiding the other 11 knives? Perhaps we could pass it around and take turns cutting our main course.

Really, you went all out in care and love for this table. This is worthy of a table at the Whitehouse.

THE UNRINSED PLATE

the unrinsed plate

I know there is someone out there right now that feels my pain on this one. Why the hell is it so hard to rinse a plate? Forget the fact you failed to transfer the plate over to the dishwasher but don’t exclaim “the dishwasher isn’t working” when you pull said dish out of a cycle and wing ding sauce is still on it.

And we just got a new dishwasher last year and it’s awesome but there aren’t chisels and acid in there that can take EVERYTHING off. You have to rinse the plates. I’m sure you are trying to conserve a little water but don’t worry, Al Gore will forgive you.

I mean, I could cook a filet, have candles and a tablecloth on the beautifully set table, come down the next morning because my husband would “clean up” and I would find the above in the sink; maybe even the Coke can. It’s enough to make you batty.