10 Things That Annoy Me About House Hunters- Episode 5

I’ve written about House Hunters, even made a video about how ridiculous they can be. Now check out my latest podcast via 10 Things That Annoy Me About House Hunters- Episode 5 – Hot Mess Memoir

My Sister is Looking at a Brady Bunch Home-You Have to Look at These Pics!

I was working on a post this evening when received a text from my sister S with a property her and her boyfriend are interested in. For anyone that doesn’t know, my younger sister has entered the housing marketing ready to buy and I’ve posted 2 of the houses, both which didn’t happen (one sucked and the other was scooped up). Here is that posting: Hot Mess House Hunter Homes to Choose From

The post I was working on went COMPLETELY out the window once I went online and checked out this house. OH MY GOD! I have never, in my life, seen a house that has remained so ridiculously outdated. It’s like a movie set. It’s like a time warp but a time warp with Liberace. I quickly began to snag pictures of the house and I am so excited to show you guys this hot mess that I can barely contain myself.

I would imagine this house to be like the crush your best friend has on a bad boy in high school. Sure, he’s needs work and he’s hot in his own kind of way. Your egging it on but in the long run, you know it’s wrong and in the back of your head all you hear is DANGER!

You guys ready? I give you the Brady Bunch House:

Would the Golden Girls consider this a lanai? Check out the indoor hot tub…

Do you think that is a fountain?

Let’s talk about this side of the living room for a moment. Again, is that another fountain/garden area? Did Liberace throw up in here? Look at the wall candles….

All the provisions one needs should Liberace show up: a piano, feathers, naked statue and candleabra.

E.T. phone home…..

Every well respected home needs an Asian landscape mural on the wall and saloon doors:

This was Barbie’s room before moving out…..

This is almost a deal breaker…..

I’m sure the former tenants cried while making love in this room since it’s like angels and clouds colliding together…..and I also feel as if I’m at a funeral parlor in this room.

 

 

House Hunter Cliches/Observations

So here I am like any other woman in America: watched everything there is to watch on any given day. What else is there to watch? House Hunters or House Hunters International.

House Hunters is like watching COPS or like that trusty pair of jeans- you know it’s always there and you always enjoy them. Despite this fact, there has been a certain amount of annoying people/phrases that see to ALWAYS grace an episode. And I would like to present them to you:

House Hunters Domestic: 

It’s not granite counter tops– this is like nails on a chalkboard to me. I don’t fucking care if it’s not granite. What the hell is granite anyway? I know it’s some durable, thick counter top but honest to God….get over it!

The master bedroom is a little small– hissing right now at this comment. First of all, where did this name come from? Is it seriously as racist as it seems to me? The Master bedroom? How about we just call it the biggest bedroom?

Where are you going to put your stuff?- the woman says to her husband when checking out the walk in closet. Oh stop Amy! You are sooo funny and witty coming up with that! As if the 50,000 oblivious women before you didn’t say that. So witty.

I could see us entertaining friends and family here– Oh my God just stop. Your not fucking Martha Stewart. This isn’t the 17th century where you are going to have a ball, and a long, gilded dinner table with butlers serving you. Just stop, seriously. Do you hear yourself?

The kitchen is the nucleus of the house– this one came on the list unexpectedly as I just heard a douche baugette say it.

Observations: 

They will choose the house over budget.

The budget is minimum $250,000.

House Hunters International:

Some of the homes presented were originally lived in by Socrates yet cost $1.5 million. After I pick my jaw up from the floor I listen intently as I hear these trainwrecks justify why they want to live in the side of a mountain in Tuscany that currently has no running water, no electricity and has been overrun by snakes.

When a young family is involved you can usually detect the hesitation in the wife: Normally it’s a family living in like Boise, Idaho or Indianpolis, In. and they have at least 3 children.

“Ha ha, yeah we are so happy about Mark’s promotion.” Eyes dart down then up. “We can’t wait to give the children a multi-cultural viewpoint…..in Kabul…..which is basically the ball sack of the world. So excited. Can’t wait to entertain all our friends and family.”

After the the million dollar hovel is decided upon, I love the 3 month “check up”-Dear God this part is hilarious to me. Because all remodeling supplies has had to be brought up by a donkey and a midget, things are going slower than expected. Next shot is of the couple living in the “kitchen” which consists of a table covered in oil cloth and a hot plate. But they are “so happy” because they are “close to town.”

I know I’m missing like a million cliches with this show so please add to this for all the ones I missed.